Chapter 2: Lost
“Buffy?” Dawn calls out from the top level, and then makes her way to the lower level before Buffy could stop her. Dawn’s voice finally got Spike’s attention, and for the first time in nearly an hour, he acknowledges other people in the room.
“Nibblet, what are you doing here?” Spike asks.
“I overheard Tara on the phone with Xander and Anya. What’s going on? What’s wrong with Spike?” Dawn turned and asked Buffy. Just then Tara ran down the steps, slightly out of breath, followed by an equally breathless Willow.
“S-sorry Buffy, I tried to stop her.” Tara explained and Willow nodded, bent over, hands on he knees trying to catch her breath from her impromptu Dawn Chase. Willow waved her hand at Buffy and Dawn to show she was present in hearing at least, if not yet with enough breath to use her voice.
“It’s okay. Dawn, I’m taking you back home. Let’s go.” Buffy said as she took her sister by the arm and started to drag her towards the stairs.
“No! I don’t want to go. Tell me what’s going on. I have a right to know.” Dawn said indignantly as she pulled her arm out of her sister’s grasp.
“Nibblet, you should listen to big sis, it isn’t safe here for you.” Spike told her.
“Stop treating me like a child! I want to help!” Dawn pleads.
“Dawn, it isn’t safe here for you.” Buffy says.
“The Slayer’s sister….” ‘Cecily’ eyes Dawn maliciously. Spike glares at ‘Cecily’ in a deadly manner.
“You leave her alone.” He says in a low and deadly voice.
“Buffy, who’s Spike talking to?” Dawn asks curiously.
“Come on Dawn, we need to get you out of here. I’ll explain on the way home.” Buffy says.
“No, I want to help!” Dawn protests.
“Well, maybe she can help…” Willow suggests, finally speaking up. At everyone’s weary looks Willow explains. “You...you know...With-with research. Research only… kinda like me.” Willow mumbles as she fidgets. Buffy sighs.
“Fine, but she can’t stay down here though.” Buffy says as she glares at ‘Cecily’. Buffy didn’t like the sardonic grin that was painted on the woman’s face.
“Fine, whatever.” Dawn says begrudgingly as she heads up the ladder to the upper level of the crypt.
“Guys, I’m going up to wait for Xander and Anya. Keep an eye on them, will you?” Buffy asks Willow and Tara. The two witches glanced over at Spike, who was now holding a very animated argument with the apparition that only Tara and Buffy could see.
“Sure. We’ll give a shout if anything happens.” Tara said.
“Thanks.” Buffy said as she climbed up the ladder. Tara lead Willow over to the circle, and had her recite the incantation.
* * *
The two witches watched from a dark corner as Spike and ‘Cecily’ argued. Both witches were listening carefully for any clues that the apparition said about its self. So far they had just heard the apparition egging him on to do evil things to Buffy, and Spike was protesting that vehemently, but the two witches could tell that he was getting tired. He had been up for over 24hrs, and hadn’t had any blood since sunset. His armor was wearing thin and after Dawn had shown up, the apparition had new ammo to work with. This was not looking good.
“I told you to bloody well drop it! There’s no way in hell your gonna convince me to do that!” Spike shouted. His voice was starting to feel raspy from all of the shouting he has been doing. The apparition wasn’t giving up- in fact Spike’s protests only seemed to encourage her to taunt him further. Somehow, no matter how many times she tried to entice him to do what she wanted, he resisted. Mainly because the two things she was telling him to do gave him a twisting feeling in his heart and his stomach.
“There’s something about that girl. So full of energy… I wonder what her blood would taste like…? Better than Slayer blood?” ‘Cecily’ said suggestively. Spike’s whole body went ridged with anger. He stalked angrily over to ‘Cecily’, practically standing nose to nose with her.
“I said NO! I. Will. NEVER. Do. That!” He ground out through clenched teeth and turned his back from her to try and rein his temper.
“I hate you!” Dawn’s voice shouted from behind him. He turned swiftly to see Dawn standing where ‘Cecily’ had been standing just seconds ago.
Tara and Willow abruptly sat up in their chairs upon seeing the apparition morph into Dawn. The two witches glanced at each other worriedly.
Spike knew it wasn’t his nibblet. It wasn’t possible. It was just this bird’s mind tricks… but she looked so much like Dawn… even sounded like her.
“You’re disgusting! I hate you! You never wanted to be my friend! You just wanted to get into Buffy’s pants! You’re a pig! A ickey, evil and disgusting PIG!!” ‘Dawn’ shouted at him.
“Nibblet?” Spike said in a small voice. He stepped toward her, but she backed away from him.
“Don’t touch me! Get away from me you awful blood-sucker! You lied to me! You told me you’d protect me! But you didn’t, did you?! It’s your fault Buffy died! It’s all your fault!!!” Dawn screamed. Spike was lost. Buffy’s death was his biggest weakness.
“Dawn, I’m so sorry… I tried… I tried so hard, but I couldn’t stop him…” Spike sank to his knees, kneeling before her. “I couldn’t save her… I tried, but I wasn’t fast enough… I couldn’t save her…I couldn’t save her.” Spike had tears running down his face as he pleaded with ‘Dawn’, haven completely forgotten that it was not the real girl. He covered his face with the palms of his hands and began crying, much like he did that day when Buffy had died.
Both Tara and Willow watched with horror the scene played out before them.
“I-I think I better go get B-Buffy.” Tara said and shot out of her seat to hurry up the ladder. Once she reached the upper level she found Buffy, Dawn, Xander and Anya pouring over the books they had brought over in crates.
“Oh, wait, here’s one… How to summon ghost larvae... surprisingly, you don’t get much call for those these days…” Xander said sarcastically as he flipped to the next page in the book.
“B-Buffy, I think you need to see what’s going on down h-here. I t-think S-Spike’s starting t-to crack.” Tara said. Buffy immediately got up from her seat and went down to the lower level, calling over her shoulder:
“Dawn, you stay there!”
With a frustrated huff, Dawn sat back down, mumbling about overprotective sisters.
“I gotta see this…” Xander said as he jumped up from his chair, followed by Anya, and went down into the lower levels. Dawn huffed again, angrily, mumbling about grownups and they’re ‘inside world’.
* * *
“Nibblet, I’m so sorry… I tried to stop it… I tried…” Spike was still crying when Buffy came down the steps. A few moments later Xander and Anya followed.
“What happened?” Buffy asked Willow and Tara.
“It changed into Dawn. It was yelling at him, telling him that she hated him. She was telling him that it was all his fault that you… that-that you died.” Willow said. Buffy turned to see a very broken down Spike.
“Where? I don’t see her.” Xander said, looking around the crypt.
“Oh, right. Sorry Xander. Here, stand in the circle…” Tara motioned him to the circle. He stood in the center.
“Now repeat after me..” Tara said, and told him the incantation. When Xander finished he saw someone that looked like Dawn standing in front of Spike.
“Holy moley!” Xander exclaimed.
“Wait until you see her morph.” Willow said.
“I want to see too!” Anya complained.
“O-okay.” Tara said, and repeated the process with Anya.
“Wow. Great likeness. Even better than the Buffy-bot.” Anya complimented. A moment of uncomfortable silence passed between the group. But that was broken when they heard Buffy’s voice at the other end of the crypt. They all looked up to see ‘it’ morphed as Buffy.
“You promised me, Spike. You told me you would protect her. How could you? I trusted you!” ‘Buffy’ yelled at him. Spike looked up at her, new tears running down his face.
“I tried, pet. I know it was all my fault, and I’m sorry…” He said with his head hung down in shame.
“You failed me Spike. The one time you could have proven yourself to me, and you screwed it up. I shouldn’t have trusted you. You’re not a man, you’re a monster. A disgusting, evil, vile thing. Always were, always are. I could NEVER love you. You’re nothing to me Spike. You’re beneath me.”
Spike visibly shuddered at the words. ‘Buffy’ morphed back into ‘Cecily’.
“You’re nothing to me, William. You’re beneath me.” ‘Cecily’ said in her upper class Victorian voice, a perfect echo from William’s past.
“Oh God…” Buffy said. It actually felt like her heart sank in her chest. She had said the exact same thing to him that night outside the Bronze… the exact same thing that Cecily had said to him over a hundred years ago, that broke his heart. Now ‘it’ was bringing it all back to haunt him, even using her own image and voice. It was like pouring holy water into an open wound. Buffy got angry.
She started to stalk over to ‘it’, but she got about 10ft away from them and ran straight into an invisible barrier.
“What the…? Wills? Tara?” Buffy turned back to them questioningly. Willow and Tara stepped forward and placed their hands on the invisible barrier with confused looks on their faces.
“This is a strong barrier. Whatever that thing is, it’s very powerful.” Willow said.
“Is there any way to break it down?” Buffy asked.
“It’s too powerful. I’ve never seen anything so strong…” Willow said. Buffy sighed in annoyance.
“Well there has to be something we can do! I can’t just sit here and watch this.” Buffy said motioning to Spike and whatever that thing was.
“We need to figure out what that thing is.” Willow pointed at the thing that kept morphing. They all looked at it, and saw that it was some woman in Victorian era clothing.
“Haven’t you heard? They call him ‘William the Bloody’ because of his bloody awful poetry!” She tittered. Quick as lightning ‘it’ morphs into a Victorian era man.
“It suits him. I'd rather have a railroad spike through my head than listen to that awful stuff!” The aristocrat sneers.
“That’s how he got the name ‘William the Bloody’? Lil’ Spikey wrote poems?” Xander says, trying to suppress chuckles and Anya lightly whapped his arm with the back of her hand to get him to stop. Xander opened his mouth to let out more taunts, but his jokes died in his throat when he saw four sour looks from the women in the room.
Meanwhile ‘It’ had changed into another Aristocrat.
“You were always worthless, you know. Always writing your nancy-boy poetry! You were always the fool for love William. A romantic at heart just like your mother! I swear William, sometimes I’m not so sure that I had a son and not a daughter! You make me ashamed to be your father!”
“Stop it.” Spike demanded weakly through his tears. ‘It’ morphed again.
“I never wanted you, you know. You ruined my life. I was much to young to have a child. I’ve always resented you for taking my youth from me, William.” His ‘Mother’ told him.
“Mum, please…”
“Please what, William? Stop telling you the truth?” Spike’s ‘Mother’ chuckled bitterly. “Stop telling you that I never wanted you? That I didn’t need you? That I didn’t love you?” ‘It’ morphed back into ‘Cecily’.
“No!” Spike desperately shouts.
“You see, William? No body loves you. You’re all alone. You always have been. You’re not needed by anyone, not the Slayer, and not by her friends. You're not even wanted by them! Everyone thinks that you’re worthless…but I know that you are not. I know what true strength you hold…” ‘Cecily’ whispered into his ear.
“Who are you?” Spike asked in an anguished tone. This bitch sure knew how to kick 'em when they were down.
“I am the First. The First evil, beyond sin, beyond death. You’re a part of me, just like I’m a part of you. I am the thing that you will never be able to escape. Wherever you go, I will always be there. You can’t fight me, so why even try?”
“What do you want from me?” Spike asked in a broken voice.
“I want you to return to me. You’re not a man, you’re a monster, so start acting like one! You know the demon inside of you is just itching to come out and play. So why don’t you let it? Take all that anger and all that hate and pour it into her. She’ll never love you…so why not? Bag your third Slayer, Spike. Quit being the her lap dog, and return to your former glory…!”
“The first….” Buffy says in deep thought. “The First Evil… oh God. I know what it is…! Damn it! Of course!” Buffy says exasperated, slapping her forehead with her palm.
“Wait...you mean…you don’t mean that thing that haunted Angel, do you? Because I think Giles is still majorly wigging over that one...” Willow asked, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
“Yes! It’s those monks again. We need to find them and now. I don’t know how much longer until Spike finally cracks.”
“Do you think they’d return to that cave beneath the Christmas tree lot?” Willow asked.
“It’s worth a look.” Buffy shrugged. “You guys stay here, keep an eye on him?” Buffy asked them.
“Sure Buffy, we’ll keep an eye on poetry boy.” Xander said, which promptly earned him a smack on the back of the head from Anya, as well as heated glares from the Slayer and two witches.
Buffy turned and looked at Spike again. He was still kneeling on the floor, his shoulders slumped and his head hung low.
*God I hope he hasn’t cracked already.*
“Spike?” Buffy called out to him, but he didn't move.
“Spike!” Buffy calls out again, louder. His head picks up a little, but he would make no other movement.
“Damn it! SPIKE! Just hold on a little while longer! And don't listen to her, for pete's sake!” Buffy shouts to him before turning and climbing the ladder up as quickly as her slayer powers could carry her. Once she reached the top, Dawn jumped up out of her seat.
“Is he okay?” Dawn asked, worried.
Buffy walked over to Spike’s weapons chest and started rummaging through it. “I don’t know Dawn, but I think I know how to stop it.”
“What can I do?” Dawn asked. Buffy looks up at her sister with a sad look on her face. She opened up Dawn's hand and placed a stake in it. Dawn looked up at her sister, shocked.
“If he comes after you, stake him.”
“He wouldn’t do that, Buffy!” Dawn protested.
“Dawn, this thing that is haunting him…it’s trying to break him. It’s trying to make him be evil again. I just want you to be safe.”
“But his chip…”
“I know, Dawn. I don’t know what kind of powers this thing has. It put up a pretty powerful barrier around them so that we couldn’t interfere. It might even have the power to disable the chip. It’s evil Dawn. Pure evil, and I mean that literally. We don’t know what it can do.” Buffy said as she pulled a large, wicked looking axe out of the chest on the floor. She looked back up at Dawn and saw tears running down her face.
“Hey…don’t worry Dawn, I’ll fix this. Okay?” Buffy asks, brushing her sister’s hair back from her face.
"Promise?"
Buffy nodded, "Sister Promise." In the old ritual, the two girls linked pinkies and Buffy pulled her sister into a tight hug. “I’ll be back soon, alright? Stay up here. The last time ‘it’ saw you, I didn’t like the way she looked at you… like a wolf eyeing a wounded lamb.” Buffy said as she walked to the Crypt door.
“Okay.” Dawn agreed as she watched her sister walk out of the crypt, closing the door behind her.
* * *
“Stop it! That’s not true!” Spike shouted desperately.
“You want her. You know you want to taste her. All that rich blood just pumping away beneath that thin layer of skin…” The First taunted, in the guise of Cecily.
“Leave me alone!!” Spike clasped his hands over his ears to shut her out as he walked to the other side of the crypt to get away from her. Unfortunately for him she followed behind him.
“Don’t shut me out William, you can’t escape me. The only way you’ll ever find any peace is to kill her. Only then will you be free…!” She followed behind him quickly, never more than two steps away from him.
“You can start with her friends…They’ve always hated you…” The first said and morphed into Willow.
“I’ll never forgive you, Spike. I trusted you to get to Doc on time. I trusted you to save Dawn. I thought you were our friend… but you’re not. You’re a monster. We were crazy to let you in. And because we let you in you killed Buffy. You may not have done it with your own fangs, but you killed her all the same. You don’t deserve to be around her Spike. She’s out of you’re league.” ‘Willow’ said. The First then morphed into Xander.
“And you’re little obsession you have with Buffy? That’s not love. That’s just you being sick and perverted. She will never love you Spike. She will never even like you. You’d only bring her pain, and she doesn’t deserve that. You don’t deserve her. A monster like you will never be able to touch her.”
Spike never looked up into their faces. They’re accusations stung him enough… he didn’t want to look into their eyes as they said them. He was so lost. He was sucked into this world that seemed far away from reality. He was lost in his own grief, about the one thing he truly felt guilty about; Buffy’s death. That was why in the dream Jeing Mei’s face turned into Buffy’s. There wasn’t a day that went by that he didn’t feel the pang of regret because of his failure. But now that Buffy was resurrected, he could at least see her day to day, taking care of her little sister like she should be, and out slaying demons and such. For Spike that was enough. Even if she never loved him, he could live with that. He might not be very happy about it, but his own happiness didn’t matter to him anymore. Her happiness was what was important. Hell, if it’d make her happy, he’d probably stake himself for her. He’d do anything for her. He had once called himself Love’s bitch, and he truly was. Once his heart latched onto someone, it stayed there. Hell, he still loved Dru, even though his time with her was over. He wouldn’t go back to her, but he wouldn’t trade his time with her for anything. His experience with Dru taught him things about himself, and allowed him to become who he was today.
Spike knew all of these things in his heart, as broken as it was right now. He knew that he couldn’t give in to this thing that was tormenting him. But he was drowning. He was drowning so fast and ‘it’ just kept on throwing more buckets of water on him. He was hungry and he was tired. His heart was battered and his strength was wavering. He didn’t know how much longer he had. His heart could only be shattered so many times until it turned to dust…
* * *
“Guys, we have to do something… I don’t think he can hold out much longer.” Willow said worriedly.
“What are we supposed to do? We can’t get close to them, and I don’t think he can hear us anyway. They’re own little bubble.” Xander said.
“Maybe I can get into his head again, like that night Buffy died.” Willow suggested.
“Willow no!” Tara practically shouted. They all looked at her in surprise that the shy witch had spoken so forcefully. “I-I mean, you can’t. No more magic. I’ll do it.” Tara said.
“But you don’t already have a connection with him… plus he’s inside a protective barrier! It would be next to impossible for you to connect with him.” Willow said. Tara sighed.
“I can use you as a conduit. That way you won’t be using any magic, I’ll just be borrowing your psychic link.” Tara said.
“Good! An ultimatum! Let’s get to it. What can I do?” Xander asked.
“You seem awfully eager to help Spike.” Anya commented.
“Well, I…. I…Okay, fine. I feel sorry for the guy, all right?” Xander relented. “I mean, before I never really thought much about his feelings, but he just looks so heartbroken, ya know? Who’d of guessed that the guy had a heart? He still has major guiltage about Buffy’s death… and the guy’s not even supposed to feel guilt.” Xander said.
“Yeah, kinda makes you believe that he really does love Buffy.” Willow comments.
“H-he does. I-I can see it in his aura. It’s very strong.” Tara says shyly.
“Well, lets get to it, we don’t have much time. Lover-boy needs our help.” Xander says.
* * *
“I can not believe this.” Buffy groaned as she looked down into the hole in the ground. Just as she had suspected the monks had returned to the same spot as last time, the cave beneath the Christmas tree lot. The trees were still dead above ground, and she could hear the chanting emanating from below.
With a sigh Buffy jumped down the hole, into darkness. When her eyes adjusted to the dark she saw the three monks kneeling and chanting around an alter.
“Boy, you guys really need to pick a better place to chant. I mean, come on- totally predictable. You could have made it a little more challenging for me.” Buffy said. The three priests jumped up and started to scatter, but Buffy grabbed one, threw it against a second, and grabbed the third, throwing him against the cave wall next to the other two.
“Not so fast. Now you guys are really starting to piss me off. And a word of advice: never piss off a slayer.” Buffy says as she walks over and held up the blade of the axe dangerously close to their throats.
“Now, we’re going to do this one of two ways. Either you guys can leave and never do any of your chanting around me or mine again, or I can kill you all right now, thus solving all of my problems. I’m guessing you’d rather take door number one, am I right?” Buffy asked, and the three priests nodded quickly.
“Thought so. Now get out. If I ever see any of you here again, I will kill you.” Buffy said as she lowered her axe, and the three priests quickly scrambled out of the cave. Buffy turned to the alter and shattered it with her axe.
“So we meet again, Slayer.” The First appears in the guise as Jenny.
“Do you just like to annoy me, or is there a reason you were summoned?” Buffy ventured. The First smirked.
“Oh, I’ve been summoned for a reason. One of the greatest master vampires in history switched sides. Now that was something Lucifer himself couldn’t have predicted. The balance has been shifted and I was summoned to correct it. You train your vampires well Slayer, this one is harder to crack than Angelus was.” The First said.
“I didn’t train them. Spike changed of his own free will.”
“Maybe. But it won’t do him any good now.”
“What did you do to him?” Buffy demanded.
“You’ll find out soon enough…” The First said tauntingly.
“Great. Is this the part where you scream ‘Dead by sunrise’ and go poof? ‘Cause if so, can we just skip to the ‘poof’ part?” Buffy asked, dripping with sarcasm. Then Buffy lifts her axe, and looks at the blade thoughtfully. “Or do I actually get to kill you this time?” She continued in a cheerful tone.
“You can’t kill me, little girl. You can’t even begin to imagine what destruction you would cause if I ceased to exist.”
“Please. Don’t give me that. I’ve gone up against a hell God, you think you can scare me?”
“Glorificus wasn’t needed to maintain existence as you know it. With out me, everything you know ceases to exist.” The First said smugly.
“Hu?”
* * *
Spike was alone in the darkness. That thing calling it’s self ‘the First Evil’ had suddenly disappeared, leaving him broken and tired. He didn’t know why he still held on to the smallest hope that Buffy and her pals would come to help him. In fact they were probably out celebrating his downfall right about now.
“Spike, can you hear me?” Tara’s voice whispers within Spike’s head.
“What the…?” Spike lifts his head and looks around himself for the source of the voice. He only saw darkness.
“It’s me Tara. You have to hold on, Buffy’s trying to help you.” Tara tells him.
“Tara? Why would she… why would you help me? I’m nothing.”
“No Spike, that’s not true. You’re our friend. Listen, I have to cut the link now. Just don’t listen to her, okay? Buffy’s working on it…we’ll get you out. I have to go now Spike.” Tara’s voice said.
“Wait.” Spike called out.
“I’m sorry, I have to go.” Tara apologized. And as quick as that, the link was gone. He was alone again, left feeling cold and empty inside. What Tara said had given him hope, but he didn’t know how long that would last in a place like this…in this place where time and sanity didn’t exist. This place was where his feelings were cast aside and crushed into dust sized bits, and left for the wind to scatter about where it pleased.
No one wanted him, and no one needed him.
Here, in this place, in this darkness, he did not matter.