Chapter 5: Caritas (Mercy)
Dear Buffy,
I’m sure that by now the nibblet has told you what happened. I’m sorry, love.
I don’t know what happened. I guess after all this time, the chip malfunctioned.
I wish it could be different, pet…but I know that with the chip gone, you’ll never
Trust me. And I want you to trust me, Buffy. You, the nibblet and the Scoobies.
I’m going to see if I can find anymore of those initiative buggers lying around.
Maybe they’ll want to ram another chip in my skull. Hell, I’ll even pay the buggers to do it.
I’m nothing without you, Buffy. And without the chip, I don’t have you… So I have to do this.
Please tell Dawn I’m sorry for yelling at her, I didn’t mean to upset her.Love,
William
Buffy held the letter loosely in her hands after reading it for
the third time. She sat in silence on Spike’s bed in the lower levels of his
crypt. Dawn had run home and told Buffy what had happened at the Butcher’s and
at Spike’s crypt. As soon as she heard the chip had malfunctioned, she knew how.
“What did you do to him?” Buffy demanded.
“You’ll find out soon enough…” The First said tauntingly.
“That Bitch!” Buffy shouted into the lower levels, her voice echoing
throughout the tunnels.
“Spike…you didn’t have to leave, you idiot.” Buffy whimpered as tears slid down her face. She clutched the letter to her chest and lay down on his bed, curled up into a ball.
* * *
The occupants of the Magic Box were all sitting silently around the lit-up round table that had held several Scooby meetings in the past. The shop was devoid of customers at the moment, and the recent news Buffy told them all had silenced the group. The general mood was somber, but it put Anya in an especially bad mood.
“How could he do this?” Anya asked, incredulously. Off of everyone’s confused looks she continued. “He didn’t even give me two weeks notice…! How am I supposed to find someone else to stock the shelves on such short notice? Now I’m going to have to do all that work myself. How inconsiderate!” She complained.
“Anya, I think we have bigger problems than you losing an employee.” Xander said.
“Well, he can just forget about leave with pay. You know, I should fire him. This is not a good way to treat your first employer!” Anya huffed, ignoring Xander.
“Am I the only one that is paying attention? Spike’s chip isn’t working anymore. That rates pretty high on my ‘really not good-o-meter’.” Xander re-iterated.
“Well, yeah, but he wouldn’t…you know…He wouldn’t go back to his old ways….would he?” Willow said with a wince.
“Well, he always said…” Xander started to say, but Dawn angrily cut him off.
“He wouldn’t do that!” She snapped.
“Dawn…” Xander started, but Dawn cut him off again.
“He isn’t like that anymore, and you know it! You should have seen him! He was majorly freaked because he knew you guys wouldn’t trust him anymore!” Dawn was on the brink of tears, remembering the pain in his face.
“Dawn’s right. He…He left me a note…” Buffy said sullenly and placed the note on the table for all to see. Willow picked up the note, read it, and passed it on.
“Oh, Buffy… Are you going to be okay?” Willow said, after she read the note.
Buffy swallowed hard and blinked to fight back the tears that threatened to spill, but one tear escaped. She quickly wiped it away to hide it, but the others saw.
“I’ll be fine…” Buffy said in a shaky voice. “He said he was coming back…. So I’m not worried.” Buffy said quietly.
“Well, actually in the note he doesn’t say that he’s coming back…Ow!” Xander yelped as Willow kicked him in the shin under the table. “Well, maybe I’m reading it wrong.” He quickly amended.
“It’s okay, guys. I’ll be okay. I know he’ll come back. I just wish I knew where he was.” Buffy said, sadly.
* * *
“You’ve got to be bloody kidding me.”
“Oh no, precious, that’s the deal.” The green skinned demon replied.
“Why the bleedin’ hell would I want a reading? I just want
information!” Spike said angrily and tossed back another shot of tequila.
After driving for two hours, Spike had finally arrived in LA. He heard from a Kleriech demon at Willy’s in Sunnydale, about a bar called Caritas that was practically an information hot spot. If Spike wanted to pick up a lead on the Initiative guys, he would probably find it there, or so the demon said before Spike cut off his head. So here he was in ‘Caritas’, a Karaoke bar in LA, owned by a green skinned, red eyed, red horned demon that dressed like a neutral color-blind pimp.
“Trust me, Billy, you need to hear this.” The demon calling himself
“the Host” told him.
“So get on with it and bloody tell me already. And don’t call me Billy.” Spike said angrily and motioned for the bartender to refill his drink.
“It doesn’t work that way Blondie. You need to sing.” Lorne said, pointing to the stage where a Mora demon was belting out “Copa cabana”. Spike winced.
“Bollocks. Tell me what I need to know, or I’ll rip your bloody intestines out and play skip-rope with them.”
“Oh, you are a touchy one. As charming as that sounds, sweets, I’m going to have to decline. Besides, my bar has an anti-violence spell on it.”
“Bloody hell.” Spike tossed back his shot, and then grabbed the bottle from the bartender when he went to refill his drink.
* * *
Dawn came down from the upper balcony of the Magic Box, where she had been replacing a book for Willow.
Xander, Tara and Willow were gathered around the table that was piled high with research books, still looking for the mysterious ‘frost monster’, Anya was helping a customer, and the sounds of a punching back getting the beating of it’s life revealed that Buffy was in the training room.
Dawn sighed and sat down on one of the bottom steps of the latter.
“Still no luck?” Dawn asked Willow. Willow sighed and shook her head in defeat, closing the book she was searching.
“Oh guys, this is ridiculous.” Willow said to the group as soon as the customer left. “There’s no such thing as a frost monster.”
A moment of silence passed over the group as they tried to think of what to do.
“I wish Spike was here. We could’ve asked him to go to Willie’s.” Dawn replied sullenly.
“Hey, Spike’s not the only one that can threaten Willy for information. I’ll have you know, I’ve beat up Willy plenty of times!” Xander defended.
“Sure you have honey.” Anya commented as she walked past the table to replace a jar of Alumroot powder on the shelf, still huffing over having to do it herself.
“You know, it’s kinda boring around here now that he’s gone. He’s actually kind of funny…” Willow smiled ruefully.
“Hey, I’m funny!” Xander defended.
“W-well I miss him.” Tara said shyly. Xander and Willow glanced at her questioningly. “H-he was always nice to me. S-sometimes when I felt a little l-left out, he’d talk to me.” Tara blushed. Willow smiled sadly and patted her girl-friends hand.
“Yeah, I miss him too, sweetie.”
“I miss his work. He was a hard worker, you know. And he actually started to pay for his Burba weed.” Anya said.
“Well, I guess I kinda miss playing pool with him…” Xander relented.
As the group of Scoobies discussed Spike’s disappearance, no one noticed Dawn slipping out the front door, into the sunny afternoon.
* * *
Spike was slightly drunk as he flipped though Lorne's CD collection. After all, he wasn’t going to go up on that stage without being thoroughly pissed first. He had the bottle of tequila in one hand while he flipped through the CDs with the other.
“Boring, Boring, Disco, Beatles, Disco, boring, Yanni?!?” Deep sigh, “Boring, boring...Bloody Hell, man, you call yourself a demon? NO demon worth his horns would listen to...” Spike held up one of the albums and read the blurry label. “The Best Of The Partridge Family! Let alone singalong with it!” Spike grimaced while tossing the CD over his shoulder and continued going though the collection.
“Just pick a song, hansom.” Lorne grumbled as he walked behind Spike and continued picking up the CDs from the floor. He picked up the ‘Best of the Partridge Family’ and dusted it off.
“Don’t worry, I'm sure he didn’t mean anything personal by it." He told David Cassidy on the cover. Spike rolled his eyes and took a long drink from the tequila bottle.
* * *
“Well, she was here a minute ago…” Anya said as she looked underneath a book, as if Dawn would be hidden under it. The group had finally realized that Dawn was missing from the Magic Box twenty minutes after she disappeared.
“Do you think she went home? You know…She, she could have gotten bored, or-or something.” Willow said nervously.
“Don’t you think she would have told one of us? Or told Buffy?” Xander said.
“Tell me what?” Buffy asked as she came out of the training room, wiping her face with a towel.
“Uh… we seem to have…well, miss-placed Dawn.” Willow fidgeted in her chair.
“What?” Buffy’s face fell and her body went rigid.
“Well, she was here a second ago…” Willow finished lamely.
“You guys weren’t watching her?” Buffy said, trying to keep her anger in check.
“Well, yeah, we were, but we got a little….distracted.” Willow said.
“Look, Buffster, it’ll be okay, we’ll find her. It’s no big.”
“No big?” Buffy said, loosing her temper. “No big?! My little sister is *missing*! My little sister that gets into more trouble than anyone I’ve ever known! And you’re telling me it’ll be okay?? How will it be okay?!”
“Buffy, calm down.” Xander said.
“No! No, I will not calm down! I give you guys the simple task of keeping an eye on my sister while I train, and you can’t even do that! For Christ’s sake, there are four people in this room, and not *one* of you noticed she was missing? God, I can’t believe this! Spike would have never…” Buffy suddenly bit off her sentence as the sharp twist in her heart reminded her that Spike was gone. *Spike would have never lost her.* Buffy finished the sentence in her mind.
“Buffy…” Willow started, but when the bell above the front door to the shop jingled, everyone looked up to see Dawn walk through the door.
“Dawn? Oh my God, where have you been?” Buffy rushed over to her sister and hugged her.
“Ow, geez, Slayer strength, remember?” Dawn complained.
“Where the hell have you been? You scared me half to death!” Buffy said as she released her sister from the hug.
“Geez Buffy, don’t freak out. It’s still daylight outside. See?” Dawn pointed out the shop window at the tinting sky. It was just now sunset. Buffy visibly relaxed a little.
“Where did you go?” Buffy asked.
“Willy’s.” Dawn replied nonchalantly.
“What??” Everyone said at the same time.
“Willy’s? You went to Willy’s?!” Buffy exploded again.
“I went to ask if he knew where Spike was.”
“You went to Willy for information?” Xander asked, stunned.
“Well, yeah, no one else was going to do it. You guys were all busy.” Dawn shrugged.
“Dawn you should have asked me, I would have gone.” Buffy said.
“Yeah, right. You were too busy taking out all your anger on your punching bag. I mean, come on Buffy, I know you miss him, but beating up a punching bag isn’t going to bring him back.” Dawn ranted.
“He left us Dawn. It was his choice.” Buffy told her.
“He left because he thought you wouldn’t trust him. Because you all wouldn’t trust him! He did it because he loves us.” Dawn said, wiping a tear from her eye.
“Yeah… That’s why they all leave.” Buffy said sullenly, thinking of Giles.
* * *
Spike stood apprehensively on the karaoke stage, where the bright lights shining in his eyes made it difficult to see the crowd.
Lorne had pestered him for several long minutes before Spike found a CD, and with a sardonic grin, shoved it in Lorne’s hands and told him which track to play. Lorne grimaced at the CD, and with a dramatic roll of his eyes he gave it to the DJ to go set up the machine. By that time Spike had finished two bottles of tequila, so he was feeling right perky. And when he was feeling perky, he liked to ad-lib the words to the songs. But he didn’t tell Lorne that.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s give ‘Bill’ a big round of applause for that smashing rendition of ‘Free falling’. Really slim, it makes me wish I was free falling. Off a cliff.” Lorne said as he patted the 300-pound Chirago demon on the back and ushered him off the stage while the crowd sparsely clapped.
“Okay, up next we have a special treat. Please welcome, all the way from Sunnydale, William the Bloody.” Lorne announced and the crowd clapped.
“Hey, I didn’t tell you all that… oh, bugger it.” Spike shook his head at Lorne and stepped up to the microphone, tequila bottle still in hand. Lorne took it out of his hand as he walked past, and Spike scowled at him.
“Uh, it’s Spike.” He said into the mic and ran a hand through his hair nervously. Quickly he walked back over to Lorne and grabbed the tequila, taking a deep swallow before pushing it back into Lorne’s hands and walking back to the mic. Lorne grimaced at the tequila and ordered himself a Sea breeze as he walked over to the Chirago demon to give him his reading.
“Right then. Let’s get this over with.” Spike said and cued the music.
(Authors Note: The song Spike sings is Offspring’s version of
“Feelings”, but Spike takes a bit of…creative liberty to it.)
“Feelings
Nothing more than feelings
Trying to forget my
Feelings of hate
Imagine
Beating on your face
Trying to forget my
Feelings of hateFeelings, bloody soddin’ feelings
I wish i'd never met you
You'll make me sick again”
Spike had chosen this song for two reasons. It expressed his
feelings towards the Slayer, the warring feelings of love and hate. It also
expressed his hate towards the feelings that no vamp should be having.
“Feelings
Woah oh, feelings
Woah oh, feelings
Of hate on my mindFeelings
Feelings like I never liked you
Feelings like I always loved you
Live in my heartFeelings
Feelings like I want to kiss you
Feelings like I can’t get you
Out of my mind
As Spike continued to sing, he began to get more and more pissed.
He was starting to practically shout into the mic.
“Feelings
Oh those bloody feelings
Damn those soddin feelings
Get out of my mind!Feelings
Bloody stupid feelings
Mother fucking feelings
They’re not very niceFeelings
Piece of shit feelings
Bloody fucking feelings
I can’t get them off of my mind!!Feelings
Fuck those fucking feelings
Wont go away fucking feelings
Get the fuck out of my liiiiiife!!”
As the last chords of the music died out, the crowd was on their’
feet cheering. Lorne made his way up to the stage again and took the mic.
“Wow, what a performance! Let’s here it for Spike!” Lorne prompted the audience, and the crowd complied. Spike smiled abashedly and walked off the stage to wait for Lorne as he announced the next singer.
“Alright folks, our next victim is Sheglrde from the Lrgk’ni dimension.” Lorne said and then walked off the stage to give Spike his reading, just as the opening riffs to “Achy breaky heart” started.
Lorne walked Spike over to a table in a private corner.
“Right then, I sang, so tell me where the Initiative buggers are.”
“Woah, woah, slow down sugar. First off, I’m going to tell you right now, you don’t need the Initiative.”
“What the bloody hell are you talking about? Of course I need the bloody bastards.”
“So you can get them to put a chip back in your head? I know, precious. You don’t need the chip. Tell me, has the thought of snacking on a human even crossed your mind since you realized the chip was gone?”
Spike’s eyebrows raised in shock. He didn’t even realize it. He looked around the karaoke bar. There were plenty of humans in the place, and he knew it. And he has been chip-free, so why didn’t the thought cross his mind?
“The first Evil couldn’t even get you to kill the Slayer.” Lorne replied casually.
“Hold on a bloody minute! You know about the Slayer and the evil bint?”
Lorne nodded, but his focus was on the singing demon on stage.
“Great, another Dorothy.” Lorne shook his head. Off of Spike’s confused look Lorne continued. “There’s no place like home, or in his case, no place like hell.” Lorne gestured to the demon on stage. Spike growled in annoyance and Lorne rolled his eyes.
“Alright, alright, calm down blue-eyes. Look, it wasn’t the chip that was keeping you from killing humans. I mean, yeah, it was like that at first, but as time went on, as you got to know them more, you stopped wanting to snack on the general populace. I mean, really, who wants to eat a hamburger if you can talk to the cow and get to know it? It just doesn’t work that way, Billy boy, that’s why some humans turn Vegan.” Lorne said as he motioned to a waitress and ordered another Sea breeze, and Spike ordered a beer.
“Yeah, but why the bleeding hell do I have all these soddin’ feelings of guilt? Evil soul-less vampire here, guilt isn’t part of the bloody package! And stop calling me Billy!!”
“Okay, first off, don’t give me the ‘evil vampire’ talk because that isn’t you. You may have been evil before the chip, but that’s because your demon wasn’t as in-check as it is now. Second, you don’t have to have a soul to feel guilt. The demon just subdues it. Having the chip allowed your subdued feelings come to light. That’s how you realized you love the Slayer. You admired her from the first moment you saw her, you just didn’t know it. Or wanted to know it. Didn’t your ex break up with you because of the Slayer?”
“How do you know all this?” Spike asked skeptically. The waitress set down their’ drinks and Spike vamped out, biting off the cap on the bottle, while Lorne daintily sipped on his beverage.
“I have the gift, luscious. I read auras. Hey, speaking of the Slayer, I’d love to take a peek at her soul. From what I get from you, she’s one hell of a lady. The kind you’d do anything for, am I right?”
“Yeah.” Spike said sullenly.
“The kind you’d willingly endure hours of torture by a Hell goddess for?”
“Yeah.” Spike admitted.
“The kind you’d reject evil for?”
“Yeah.” Spike grimaced and took a swig of his beer.
“The kind you’d track down a shady government branch so that they put another chip in your head for?”
“Bloody hell, yes, what’s your point?!”
“I’m just saying that you love the girl. So what are you doing here in LA, and not back in Sunnydale?”
“She won’t trust me without the soddin’ chip!” Spike said as he flicked the bottle cap to his beer as hard as he could across the room. In a distant corner someone yelled “Ow!! Hey!!”
Both Lorne and Spike ignored it and continued their’ conversation.
“Oh, honey, you really think that? She does trust you. I’m not saying that your relationship with the Slayer is going to be all peaches and cream, it’s going to be really rough at times…and quite frankly, I think you two wouldn’t have it any other way. That Slayer is going to need a lot of help. She’s had it real tough, and frankly, it’s not going to get any easier. She has some abandonment issues right now, and weather or not she realizes it, you’re what she needs. So I ask again, what are you still doing here?”
“Are you just trying to get rid of me?” Spike asked with a wry grin.
Lorne just smiled deviously and raised his glass to Spike in a toast.
* * *
“But…”
“No buts Dawn! I said you’re grounded.” Buffy said as she closed the front door to the Summers’ home behind her and Dawn. They both hung up their coats, and Buffy stalked angrily into the kitchen, with Dawn trailing behind her
“I don’t see what I did wrong.” Dawn whined.
“You left without telling me where you were going! And you went to Willies, Dawn! You tell me what’s wrong with that sentence.” Buffy said sternly, crossing her arms over her chest.
“But it was for a good cause!” Dawn defended.
“What? The ‘let’s see how fast I can get myself killed’ cause? Not buying it!”
“I was perfectly safe! I know how to protect myself, okay? Spike taught me some self defense moves.” Dawn replied haughtily.
“He did?” Buffy was taken aback.
“Yeah.”
“When was this?” Buffy asked confused.
“About a week ago…” Dawn trailed off nervously.
“Dawn…what happened?” Buffy asked, narrowing her eyes at her sister in suspicion.
“Okay, so maybe I might have gotten attacked by a vamp on the way to Janice’s house…”
“WHAT?!” Buffy shouted. “What were you doing out after sunset?!”
“That’s not the point Buffy. The point is Spike saved me. Then after the hour long lecture, he decided to start teaching me some self defense.”
“That doesn’t mean you should go looking for trouble, Dawn, and Willies is trouble.”
“Well, I got what I wanted, so it was worth it.” Dawn replied haughtily and crossed her arms over her chest.
“What do you mean?” Buffy took the bait.
“I found out where Spike is.” Dawn said, trying to contain a triumphant smile.
Buffy was silent for several minutes.
“And?” Buffy prompted in what she hoped was a casual voice.
“L.A. A place called Carters… or Cartias. No, that doesn’t sound right… Caritas. Yeah, that’s it…. I think.”
“Caritas? What’s a Carita?” Buffy asked, puzzled.
“A bar. Willy said it was an information hot spot. Apparently there’s this demon there that can read souls and give you information or something.” Dawn shrugged.
“How did you get all of this information from Willy?” Buffy asked suspiciously.
“I told him that Spike was off his leash, and I’d have Spike pay a visit to him if he didn’t cooperate.” Dawn replied with an evil grin. Buffy laughed at the mental image of Willy wetting himself at the thought of a de-chipped Spike.
“Alright, I forgive you…but don’t do that again, got it?” Buffy demanded.
“I promise. That place is really icky anyway.” Dawn said, curling up her nose at the thought.
“Tell me about it. So…. What are we having for dinner?” Buffy said, hoping to change the subject, as she rummaged through the refrigerator and then the cupboards. She grimaced and turned to face her sister. “Take-out or pizza?”
* * *
Spike parked the Desoto next to the curb in front of the Summer’s home. Lorne had practically shoved him out the door of the bar, with the parting words “Don’t come back without the Slayer!”
Spike had jumped into the Desoto and sped back to Sunnydale as fast as he could.
He glanced at his watch. It was well after midnight. Buffy would be out on patrol, and Dawn would be, or rather *should* be asleep by now. Spike glanced up at Dawn’s window, checking to see if her light was on, which it wasn’t. He climbed out of the driver’s seat, closed and locked the doors before heading out into the cemetery, following his senses to lead him to the Slayer.
He knew he was getting closer as he passed freshly disturbed graves and piles of dust coating the grass. He heard a fight off in the distance and headed off into that direction.
He arrived on the scene just as she dusted the last vampire. She sighed and tucked away her stake into her waistband.
“You know, you could have put up a struggle or something…” Buffy scowled at the pile of dust at her feet. “You vamps just aren’t any fun.” She pouted.
“I hope that means present company excluded, love.” Spike said as he stepped out of the shadows in front of her.
Buffy stood there, speechless, with her mouth opening and closing. Spike chuckled.
“I’m happy to see you too, pet.” Spike grinned and leaned in to give her a kiss.
Buffy seemed to recover from her stupor and punched him in the nose angrily.
“Ow!! Bloody hell woman, what the hell was that for?” Spike shouted as he reeled back and covered his nose with his hand protectively.
“You didn’t have to leave you idiot! You didn’t even talk to me about it! You just left! I’m so mad at you!” Buffy shouted.
“I did it because I want you to trust me! You can’t love me if you can’t trust me! Bloody hell, I even want the blasted Scoobies to trust me, and I know you can’t if I-” Spike shouted back, but was cut off by the Slayer knocking him off his feet, and kissing him senseless.
When Buffy finally came up for air, she saw a very bewildered, amused and breathless Spike. Buffy thought it funny how he gulped in air, although he didn’t need it.
“Well Slayer, one thing I can say about you, you always keep me on my toes.” Spike said in an octave higher than it should have been. He cleared his throat to get it back to normal.
“So…um, miss me, then?”