Author’s notes: This part takes place shortly after ‘Flooded’ or to be more precisely after the off-screen meeting between Angel and Buffy.
The NightCrawler
by Belladonna
Chapter 3
~Alone by choice~
Night had fallen down above California and laid itself like a black veil over the skies to cover those few remnants of the day and gain the reign over heaven and the night.
The moon stood high in the nightly skies and threw its pale shimmering light over the streets; thousands of little stars joined it with their faint glimmer, only to show that they also were still there and would not vanish behind the huge gem in the black void of the night. They were shining in their greatest beauty, but even this light was just a reminder of long passed times and many of them already burned out before their light would have reached this band of black velvet above earth that humans called night. Like the pale beauty of the moon simply remained borrowed for even the moon could not call it its own but had to admit it coming from the unseen power that lit up the day and stayed seemingly expired by night.
All that stayed hidden to the man who was driving alone along the streets this night, returning to where he had come from. And just as alone as his was the only car driving on that street he felt lonely inside him, this deep loneliness and emptiness inside his chest, where his heart had stopped beating many decades ago and where his soul resided.
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Alone.
That is it what we are, always had from the time we were born, brought into this world and that is it how it will remain, how we will remain until the day on which we will find our end.
Alone.
Just like we came into this world and will leave it once the time for us has come.
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Angel felt the chill of the night settling down into his bones, deep inside him and with it came the feeling of loss. The emptiness inside him was far from being filled again one day and he was aware that his little excursion tonight from which he was on his way home had not exactly helped in making it easier for him. In fact, it had managed to make it harder for him, but right now he didn’t care.
He had had to see her, he simply had to even though he had known all too well that it would only re-open the wounds he thought to have healed long ago.
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Ah, loneliness is something that follows us throughout our whole existence like a shadow will always glide dutifully after its master who has cast it.
It remains with us, embraces and caresses us like a second skin and yet manages to stay that far away so that we won’t be able to grasp it nor the reason that makes us feel it.
It is like it is mocking us, laughing at us while it remains at our side, our constant companion dancing around us but staying just out of our reach.
Oh, just how much closer than that can it come to us by doing so?
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Seeing her again had been the hardest thing he could have done and had done these past weeks. Angel still felt the pain that was his companion since the night Willow had come to them to tell him that she no longer was. Even inside his mind he could not say it, was it still hard for Angel to speak it our loud, especially after he had seen her now, alive and awakened to a new life again for the second time.
For the second time now he had been forced to watch how the woman he loved more than anything and meant more to him than his own life, even if that was only borrowed, had given her life for something she had believed in and had been resurrected again.
And again by someone else other than him for he was not able to give life, not to her nor any other being walking the grounds. For he was dead, been dead for so many years now and no matter how much he wished for this to change, for her or himself, that also was something not in his power to accomplish.
Loneliness, oh Angel knew so well what that meant; for him and for his whole existence and he still felt it, and was even more painfully aware of it now that he knew that the woman he loved with his whole heart was again with him.
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To be alone, that we are throughout our whole lives, but that does not mean that we cannot change it nor have no influence over it. But if it truly was that way, why are we not able to do so?
Can we not change it or is it maybe that we don’t want to?
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Right now was the moment that Angel questioned his decision to turn on the radio and he didn’t know why exactly he had decided to do so in the first place. Usually he preferred to drive in silence and especially in this night, now that his thoughts still were with her and not with him.
The moment he had heard of the news that she was alive again, it had been the happiest moment of his life, burnt itself onto his soul and it was just like the moment he had been told of her demise. He would never forget it as long as he would exist.
Angel had never felt so lonely before and it had been like a blow to his face as if he had felt her dying. To have stood now in front of her had been like a huge relief and he still felt the joy of it inside him that lingered in his thoughts long after their meeting. It had been so good to look into her warm eyes again, to see the life they emanated and the smile that danced around her lips, just like he remembered it.
She had been so alive, so full of energy and Angel should only feel the happiness and joy about that and nothing more.
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Do we embrace the loneliness into our hearts because we cannot fight it or fear the company of others so much?
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Angel had been more than happy to hold her again in his arms, to feel her close to him but their meeting had taken a different turn than planned and then gone exactly the way he had foreseen it. Maybe she had had too.
And Angel was alone again.
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For our lives, for us there are different ways of loneliness; they all will come to us, greet us on our way through life and we will have to face them all.
We will have to live through all of them and not all will remain with us; will become reality.
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Angels thoughts still remained with her, as she was standing in front of him and he had heard her voice again like he had listened to it so many times in his dreams, imagining her alive, again and again, day after day.
She had not changed and yet at the same time was no longer the woman his heart beat for. He knew it and she must have known that too because she had acted differently towards him, not the way she had done before.
Angel now felt more alone than he had felt before, now that he knew she was alive again; now that he shouldn’t feel alone.
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It is the loneliness, the absence of others that bothers us so much. Man itself was made to be a pack animal, he cannot bear to be alone and he seeks out company for himself.
Man even fears loneliness because alone was not what he was created for.
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Angel thought about what he was absently listening to and thought on continuing his journey towards Los Angeles in silence again. With every word the speaker on the radio said through his microphone, Angel knew just how much he loved Buffy and also that it would never be him who would be there for her like she deserved, and he wished for both of them to have.
But he could not bring himself to turn the radio off. The emptiness inside him clutched at him, pulled at him and all he was; clung tightly around his dead heart and covered it in a chilling cold that caused him to freeze from the inside.
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But also the loneliness in the midst of people is something we have to deal with, for in the middle of the biggest group of people we remain alone, separated from others and it is for man impossible to overcome this deep rift that has divided him from others.
This is the loneliness of those famous, rich of acceptance and admiration as well as of the outsiders, apart from popularity and everything else and it unifies them without them even knowing of it.
They are closer to each other by being farther away than possible and they still remain blind for it. Isn’t it a tragedy to see them suffer that much, especially if they have no need to?
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In the far distance Angel already could see the lights of the city that brightened the nightly skies. His thoughts yet remained in the past, the last words of the radio speaker had somehow touched him in a way he hadn’t consciously noticed.
Only below his rational thinking his soul recognized the meaning of those words and what they meant for him. As if he could already foresee his next words and what even deeper meaning they would have had for him and Buffy. And had.
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But the even greater tragedy is that of life itself, for lonely is all mankind.
Their hearts are frozen, turned to ice during the centuries that glistens bright in the sunlight which devours them all.
Man had never been meant to be alone, lonely and yet he seeks out loneliness now, looking to escape his life and all that surrounds him.
He does want to be alone, alone with himself in the darkness of his own self and heart, darkened by pain, loss or rejection or by his happiness and the fulfilment he seeks within his dreams.
The loneliness by his own free will is the one that man has to face the most on his journey through life. He may build walls around himself, shy away from those he loves to protect them or maybe himself by doing so, but that he does no longer know exactly.
And even in this loneliness by choice he does not find peace for him for he has to realize that this he can only find in death.
And that is what man fears even more than being lonely for then he would truly be alone, wouldn’t he?
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Angel felt the cold hand gripping around his heart, squeezing slowly and how it choked him from the inside. He had never wanted to leave Buffy, for he loved her so much and still did. But because of that love, his love for her he had been forced to leave for he could not draw her towards him, into the darkness that surrounded him and his world. When he did leave her the first time it had been like someone had ripped out his soul from him because Buffy was his soul and now he could feel this emotion again. It did hurt, painfully so and deep but he knew that he did not have any choice other than to do it again, to leave her again.
In front of him the first houses of his city rose against the sky; he almost was home now at the place he had made a home for himself, for himself alone. Angel knew that she was well now, that she would be happy and that was it that counted for him. She was happy without him, that was it he had seen, or so he thought.
But inside his soul already the first worries and doubts began to work their way towards the surface, nagging at him. Did he even try? Did he even try to be happy with her other than letting her find it alone or did he too shy away from it?
Again?
Angel steered his car off the street and towards Los Angeles, into the huge city. The smaller detached houses were the first ones standing alongside his way, later the larger buildings would follow. Billions of people lived here, surrounded him here in his city every day and night and it was one single individual whose closeness he longed for; one single person he wished for that she could be here with him to fill the emptiness inside him. But this one person should remain farther apart from him than his heart or soul could bear.
The voice of the speaker on the radio had drowned underneath all the noises of the big city and faded away in Angels mind, but his words still hung in his thoughts, above him, around him. They had hit him exactly inside the emptiness that now resided at the place of his heart, his soul and filled now the place he so much wanted to fill with her but could not.
For he should remain alone.
“…alone by choice…”