Chapter 5 (Epilogue): Fish Face

             After the apocalypse, it was so late at night everyone went home and collapsed into their beds, planning on having a “Demon sweep” and then an “Apocalypse party” the next night.

            So the entire gang was out on patrol as planned, hunting down the escapee demons from the fight in the Library. Connor was using his acute sense of smell to track down the demons. It didn’t take long for the group to get into a scuffle with large reptile looking demons.

             “Is it just me, or do these Demons look a lot like Dinosaurs?” Xander commented as he sidestepped getting his arm torn off by a demon that looked a lot like a Raptor.

             “That’s because they are. Dinosaurs are related to Demons.” Anya commented, sitting atop a tombstone five feet away. She had out her wedding planner and occasionally asked Xander a question. The last one was about his tux sizes, or “would he prefer the traditional pant and tunic made from living flesh?” Everyone had curled up their’ noses at that thought, trying not to imagine how that was even possible.

             “They are?” Willow asked. Buffy, Willow, Tara, Dawn, Lorne and Cordelia were also sitting next to Anya, watching the men fight off the demons.

            It was their’ turn, after all. Buffy had begrudgingly let Spike fight, but only if he used the crossbow instead of his fists.

            The only reason Lorne was sitting it out was because he and Anya had started talking Wedding dresses, and Lorne had even offered to host the Reception at Caritas.

             “Oh yes. Humans think that Dinosaurs were killed off by some large asteroid or something, but that’s not true. They were all just sucked into Hell.”

             “Do tell?” Giles asked, looking for all-the world like a librarian again.

             “How do you know all this?” Dawn asked skeptically.

             “Demonology 101.” Anya shrugged indifferently.

             “DUCK!” Spike shouted. The girls all simultaneously ducked immediately, but Lorne was too slow. A stray Raptor looking demon had snuck up behind the group, and before anyone could stop it, it ripped off Lorne’s head.

             “NO!” Buffy shouted. She pulled Doc’s knife out of her waistband and stabbed the Raptor in the chest. It let go of Lorne’s head and fell over dead.

             “Oh my God! Lorne!” Buffy said, her voice shaking.

             “He’ll be okay.” Angel sighed.

             “How can you say that?! Your friend just died!” Willow started crying. Spike walked over to where Lorne’s head lay in the grass and looked down at him sadly.

             “He was a good bloke.”

             “Aw, you love me. You really love me.” Lorne said, opening his eyes.

             “AHH!!” Spike jumped back, nearly stumbling over a tombstone. “Bloody Hell!!” Spike swore in pain as he aggravated his wound.

             “Lorne?!” Buffy approached his head hesitantly.

             “Yeah sweetie, I’m still me…just slightly shorter.” Lorne chuckled. “You mind bringing me to my body again?”

             “Oh eww.” Dawn said.

             “It’s not like I’m diseased or anything, sheesh!” Lorne scoffed.

             “Bloody hell man! Nearly gave me a bloody coronary…” Spike swore at Lorne. “You know… if it were possible.” He added at everyone’s skeptical looks.

             “Don’t worry, he likes to do that.” Angel grumbled and stalked over to Lorne’s head, walking it back to his body. Angel placed Lorne’s head in his body’s hands, and Lorne re-attached his head onto his shoulders.

             “Oh yes, I just love getting my head torn off constantly.” Lorne glared at Angel. “At least *they* said more than “hmm” and “yeah”.” Lorne huffed.

             The Scooby gang was looking at him with a mixture of curiosity and disgust. He felt very much like a roadside accident. It’s gross, but you can’t help but look.

             “Neat party trick. What else can you do Kermit?” Spike asked with raised eyebrows.

             Lorne smiled charmingly. “I can sing!” and then he proudly belted out “I will survive”.

             Which resulted in another group of Demons attacking them seconds later. The boys just grinned.

             “Your turn ladies.” Spike smiled cheerfully as he sat back against a tombstone and focused on Buffy fighting. He always did love to watch her fight. He used to be involved in “back room bets” against other demons when he needed money after the Initiative plugged the chip in his head. He always bet on the Slayer. Hey! Speaking of bets…

             “Whelp, you owe me twenty!”

             “Wha?”

             “Our bet. I bet on the Hell-mouth, you bet common vandals. Pay up.” Spike stuck out his palm expectantly. Xander purposely sneezed into Spike’s palm.

             “Nasty.” Spike said, wiping the snot off on Xander’s shirt.

             “Sorry, vamp dust.” Xander said, making a big show of waiving his hand about his face as if to clear the air.

             Exhausted, the group re-convened at Buffy’s house for the “Apocalypse party”.

             “I am the bearer of all alcoholic beverages.” Xander crowed proudly as he carried in the large bag. The rest of the group followed after him, also carrying paper bags that contained party snacks.

             “Harris, you’re starting to become my favorite bloke every time you say that.” Spike grinned. Xander set down the bag and Spike immediately started rummaging through it.

             “You know, every time I see them being nice to each other, I swear I’m in an alternate dimension or something…” Cordelia commented.

             “No kidding. I thought Xander hated all Vampires.” Angel said.

             “Only poofy prancing wankers like yourself, peaches.” Spike smirked at him.

             “Alright boys, that’s enough.” Buffy said dryly. “And why do you keep calling him peaches?” She added curiously.

             “You should know luv…” Spike started, but Angel cut him off.

             “SPIKE!!!”

             “Okay, stop it guys!” Buffy shouted.

             “Yes quite. We’re all getting tired of your snipping at each other. This is supposed to be a party.” Giles added.

             “Actually, I find their bickering quite amusing.” Anya, ever the truthful one added.

             “Thanks, doll. Feel free to insult peaches any time. It’s more fun that way.” Spike grinned mischievously and ducked out of the room quickly.

             “Spike!!” Angel called after him.

             Anya smiled enthusiastically, and for the rest of the night, called him “Peaches”, to Angel’s dismay.

             Well after midnight, Dawn and Connor had been sent to bed (in separate ones, of course) and the rest of the adults had stayed up playing drinking games. Lorne insisted on only drinking sea-breezes, but Spike, already having a few bottles of tequila in him, called that drink “a sissy prancing nancy-boy drink” and shoved a shot of tequila in front of Lorne. After much protests Lorne finally relented, and ended up getting just as drunk as the rest of them.

             Spike and Angel were sitting at the dinning room table drinking and having a “man-to-man” talk.

             “Y’ know peaches… I really ‘ated ya when ya disappeared on Dru ‘an me.” Spike slurred drunkenly, pouring another shot of tequila for both.

             “Sorry m’boy. ‘Couldn’t be helped.” Angel said, his Irish accent returning in his inebriated state.

             “But I ‘ated ya even more when you turned inta Angelus.” Spike added, and everyone that had witnessed that event nodded solemnly.

             “’nd I’m pissed tha’ you left th’ Slayer all broken ‘earted when ya fled t’ L.A.” Spike slammed back a shot. “Tha’ was a real chick’n shit thing t’ do, man.”

             “Shut up. ‘Least I didn’ call ‘er “Slutty the vampire layer”, if’n I remember correctly.” Angel retorted.

             “Yea, well, tha’ was before I realize I love ‘er, mate.”

             “Oh yea, I fergot’ to tell ya…” Angel said.

             “Wha’ peaches?”

             “Break the lass’s heart an’ I’ll rip out yer spinal cord.” Angel said, dead serious. Spike suddenly busted up laughing.

             “What?!” Angel glared.

             Still laughing, Spike barely managed to spit out “ Remember tha’ time ‘n London, not long after I was turn’d…” Spike raised his eyebrows expectantly, and watched the look of remembrance wash over Angel’s face.

             “Oh yea! I nearly forgot ‘bout that…”

             “Ugh, this ‘s what we get for hangin’ out with Vamps.” Buffy curled up her nose in a way that Spike thought was absolutely adorable.

             “Oh come on luv, it ain’t that bad.” Spike shrugged.

             “Vamp male bonding? Right.” Buffy said disbelievingly.

             “Male bondage? Oh, that sounds like fun.” Anya commented, and everyone grimaced.

             “It could be worse…Angel could be all evil again.” Willow added.

             “Yeah, if ya ever see peaches wear’n leather pants, tha’s yer first clue.” Spike said tapping the side of his head and pointing to Cordelia, and Lorne.

             “Hey!” Angel glared at Spike.

             “Wha? M’ I givin’ away yer best kept secret?” Spike chuckled.

             “Oh my God.” Buffy started laughing hysterically. “I totally forgot ‘bout th’ leather pants!” She said before dissolving into a fit of laughter.

             Lorne mouthed silently to Cordy “Leather pants?” She just shook her head at him with a ‘don’t go there’ look.

             “Wha’ is it with you all an’ callin’ me Evil all th’ time?” Angel glared. “I don’ always go evil ya know.”

             “Right, mate. Jus’ be sure to stay un-happy, alright?” Spike patted him on the back.

             Angel suddenly got a look on his face that looked suspicious. Xander had gotten up to get more chips and the boy had his back to Angel. Using a vamp’s stealth (as much as a drunken one had, anyway) he snuck up behind Xander and used Spikes ‘pretending to vamp out behind Joyce’ look over the boy’s shoulder. When Xander saw him, he shrieked like a girl and potato chips went flying everywhere.

             Everyone dissolved into drunken fits of laughter, except for Xander, who only glared at Angel.

             When Spike caught his breath, he said in shock: “Angel made a funny!”

             “No, that’s still his normal brooding face.”  Anya looked at Angel critically.

             “Ya s'inks at's funny!” Buffy said, still laughing. “You shu’d see th’ face ‘e makes when ‘e shums!" Buffy slurred and started making a fish face impression.

             “Eww! That’s way too much information, even for me.” Anya cringed.

             Spike looked at Buffy’s impression of ‘fish-face/climax Angel’ thoughtfully.

             “Ya know, I think ‘e made th’ same face that time I accident’ly shot ‘im in th’ balls with that crossbow..." He paused thoughtfully, “ ’Cept ‘e also crossed his eyes..." Spike crossed his eyes and did the Fish face impression, cringing his right eye more than the other for effect.

             Buffy laughed and nodded enthusiastically. “Yep! Tha’z it izactly!”

             Xander raised a crossbow and took aim.  “Cool, let’s see if we c’n make ‘im do the same face on command...”
 

Many, many drinks later:
 

             “D’d some one spike th’ drinks?” Buffy furrowed her brows as she peered into her empty glass as if it would tell her the answer. She poured herself another but the second she put it to her lips, Xander took it away from her.

             “Sounds like yer plenty ‘Spiked’ Buffster.”

             Buffy looked up, shocked.

             “How’d you know that? It was jus’ a quickie in th’ upstairs bathroom! Who told you ‘bout me gettin’ “Spiked?”

             Spike snickered and stood behind Buffy making “the Fish face”, sending them all into a fit of laughter again.

             “’An you know what's funny?... The vampire slayer got staked by the vampire!!!" Buffy busted up laughing in a drunken stupor. Oblivious to Giles’ and Angel’s horror-filled faces, she continued. She dramatically threw herself at Spike.

             “I said, “Ohhh...Stake me, you fool!”  An’ he staked me again an’ again!!! Multiple times! Ain’t that right honey??”

             Spike nodded cheerfully and held up three fingers, making sure everyone could count them.

             “Somebody please stake me…now.” Angel muttered, and Xander rose enthusiastically, a stake having appeared in his hand miraculously.

             “KIDDING!” Angel hastily added.

            Xander pouted.

             The party was winding down. Willow and Tara had passed out on the sofa, and Giles had crashed in the sofa chair long before. Buffy was sitting on Spike’s lap and they were making kiss-ey faces at each other. Angel, Xander, Anya, Lorne, and Cordelia continued to exchange stories and drink.

             The conversation had lulled after the tale of the trip to Pylea, and Xander and Anya’s recount of Willow’s botched forget Spell, and then the First Evil attacking Spike.

            Out of boredom, Xander found himself humming “God Save the Queen.”

             Lorne suddenly turned to him, having read his soul.

             “So *that’s* why he calls Angel ‘Peaches’!” Lorne said triumphantly. Then his face fell. “Eww!”
 

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