Title: Welcome to Sunnydale...Or, what are you symptoms?

Author: Kiva

Feedback: onlist or at kiva31@yahoo.com

Rating; G

Pairing: None

Category: Humour, supposedly, challenge response.

Status: Finished

Season/Spoilers: Anytime after the Buffy Bot was wiped out for the first time.

Synopsis: A vicious group of vampire hitmen are after our favourite vamp...can a group of feisty young woman stop them in time, saving the blond vamp? Well, not really, but they have fun trying....

Notes:

 The Spike Sluts password and 'innocent thoughts' are a kinda joke between myself, Pari and Bella...so any members reading, don't be offended.
Spike isn't mine, nor do I want him...I have a perfectly good Spike muse to play with. Please feel free to read/ review. I'd like to know what you think.

This is a work of fiction. It was written for some friends of mine at the Buffy and Spike Realm...so, blame them! ; )

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Warnings: None.

Disclaimer; The characters of Buffy are not mine, nor do I lay

any claims on them. This is for entertainment purposes only, and done in the hopes of shutting the damn plot bunnies up.

******************


::::: CRASH!!!!!!!!!:::::


"Pari! Why couldn't you have driven *around* the 'Welcome To Sunnydale' sign, like everyone else?"

The leader of the little Californian excursion grinned.

"Hey, you've seen what happens when Spike comes to town...he *always* crashes into the sign. And I can see why, it was such a rush. I think we should do it again."

"No!" Bella shouted. "Spike is a vampire, a member of the already dead people. "A group to which we are *not* joined. I, for one, would like to keep it that way."

"Oh Bella," Pari smiled, "you know who's writing this story...it's Kiva. Before she puts us in these really cool situations, she gets us all together on 'Yahell', and we promise not to kill anyone she hasn't told us to...you know, like we leave Anya and Willow alone this trip, and she promises not to kill us off. Then we get to indulge ourselves in a little fun...like last time, when we got to save Nick Boyle in the Poltergeist story she wrote, remember?"

The two smiled, thinking back to their brief stay at the San Francisco house. Then a thought struck Bella.

"Did you manage to meet with her this time? I was busy, I couldn't get near my computer."

Pari slowly turned to Bella.

"No...she emailed me though, and told me that you had met with her, and discussed it. That she promised you to do no harm this trip."

Bella's breathing sped up.

"Oh God. You know she's always going on about making her story full of suspense and drama. What if she practices on us, and kills us off?"

"Relax, Bella. She wouldn't do that to us. Horribly maim us, yes. But that's all. Right Kiva?" she asked, looking skyward to where the young, English writer usually resided during a story, fingers poised above the keyboard.

"It's no use, Pari," Bella said, a resigned tone to her accented voice. "She's probably off ogling pictures of James Marsters, or that other guy, the one who played 'Richie' in 'Highlander,' or any number of gorgeous TV hotties that she likes. And you know that no one can get through to her when she's doing that."

Pari sighed. "Okay. Well, if she kills us, you can be sure it'll be spectacular, at least. So let's go meet our newest recruits, then get on with the mission that brought us here."

The two rescuers of gorgeous men nodded to each other, exiting the car as safely as possible.

"Ow!"

"Careful, Bella. Those wooden signs have really bad splinters."

"Grrrrrrrrr."

*********

~ Outside the Espresso Pump~

"So," Bella started, "where are we meeting CD at?"

Pari consulted the book in her hands. "Well," she said, sounding not entirely focused on what she was saying, "I've got a map here...and according to this, *if* I'm reading it right, we should almost be there."

Pari was so focused on the map that she was reading, that she never saw Bella pause at the side of the road, helping an elderly lady with her shopping. She also never saw the car that came barreling towards her as she crossed the road without looking.

Bella glanced up, taking in the scene. "Pari!" she shrieked, unable to move in time to save her.

The car finally penetrated her brain, but Pari stood, frozen as she heard the squeal of breaks. It was never going to stop in time. Was this the end for Pari?

{ Okay, was that a bit over the top? }

"Kiva!" Bella shouted.

{ Okay, okay. }

Suddenly - and seemingly from out of no where - a blur appeared, throwing itself at Pari and knocking her out of the path of the car.

"Oomph," she grunted, hitting the sidewalk a little less than gently.

Bella rushed over. "Oh my God, Pari are you alright?"

Pari grunted a few more times from her position on the floor, before coherent thought returned.

"Huh? Yeah, I'm okay. Just a little dazed...." Her words slowly trailed off as she looked upwards.
Pari found herself stuck for words as she got a good look at her savior. Tallish, dark brown hair and matching eyes. He was gorgeous -

"Hey," Pari hissed. "I'm not into Xander."

{ No, but I am. I *had* to have him in this story, he was just too sexy to leave out. }

"Okay," Pari whispered,. "But I better see plenty of Spike later."

{ It's a deal. }

"Where was I?" Pari asked herself. "Oh yeah. Thank you so much for saving me Xander," she smiled.

"It was no problem," he said, answering her smile with one of his own. Then the smile slowly melted into a particularly cute frown.

"Kiva," Bella warned this time.

{ Sorry. }

"Hey...I don't think I know you," Xander said. "So...how do you know my name? You have a reflection, right?"

Pari and Bella shared a knowing look. "Reflection?" Pari inquired, trying her best to seem innocent.

{ Innocent...Yeah, right. }

"Kiva," two voices warned.

{ Okay. }

"Er..." Pari hedged, getting back on track. "Um...."

"School!" Bella suddenly burst out. "Your cousin went to school with Xander...right, Pari?"

"Yeah," Pari agreed enthusiastically. "He did...he pointed you out once at a ...school show type thing. You and two girls were doing some sort of play. It was a while ago now. I just...your name, it just kinda stuck in my mind."

Xander blushed slightly. "Yeah, I...unfortunately, I remember." He also seemed quite eager to forget. "Well, it was nice meeting you and pushing you out of the way of a speeding car."

"Same here," Pari replied. "Only, with the 'it's nice being *saved* from a speeding car' thing."

Xander's smile grew as he waved good bye to Pari and Bella, continuing up the street.

"Well," Bella said. "I think that's enough excitement for *this* particular evening. Well, of the life in danger variety, anyway."

"Bella," Pari smirked, her thoughts running along the same track. "Okay," she said next, getting serious. "We have to go and meet CD down at our new headquarters. It's time to get ready."

*******

#BANG. BANG. BANG.#


In answer to the correct amount of knocks on the large wooden door, a small section of it opened. Larger than an eyehole, the two women could just about see a small square of a persons face.

"What's the password?" a gruff voice asked.

Pari stepped forward. "Spike Sluts," she replied confidently.

The hole suddenly slammed shut, and more noise was heard as a large bolt was drawn back, the door slowly opening inward.

Shooting her friend a nervous look, Bella followed Pari through the doorway, walking into a dark room.

 

She reached out a hand, groping blindly for Pari. Her questing hand soon came into contact with something, and Bella grabbed hold, feeling the bare arm that she had found.

*Bare arm?* Pari had been wearing long sleeves, plus a rather thick coat only moments before. But if she didn't have hold of Pari...who the hell *did* she have hold of ?

"Aaaarrggghhhh!!!!" she screamed, flinging the arm away from her and jumping back several steps. Only to run into another body.

"Aaaarrggghhhh!!!!" she screamed again.

"Bella!" Pari shouted. "It's just me."

Suddenly, a light switched on, first blinding Bella, and then leaving her squinting blearily at the two people in front of her. One, she knew as Pari, the other -

"CD!" she squealed, hugging her fellow Spike fan.

"Hey ladies," CD greeted.

Now that she could see, Bella took the opportunity to check out her surroundings. Everywhere she looked there were pictures of Spike. There were even a few of the Slayer - with Spike, of course.
There were screen captures, candids from the around Sunnydale, and several professionally shot photographs.

"Sweet set up CD," Pari said, a large grin on her face as she took in the sights. The grin turned into a gasp as she saw CD's collection of 'Smashed' screen captures.

"Oh, that's where he - and then - and, that's from when he - oh!"

Knowing that Pari would be worshiping at the alter of screen shots for a while, Bella took the chance to talk to CD.

After exchanging pleasentries, Bella got down to the serious stuff.

"Where is he? What shade is his hair this season? Has he vamped at all? And also, has he been cleaning his crypt, 'cause it's not good to live with all that dust - unless of course, you *don't* live, and don't need to breath in all that dust. In that case, it's okay, forget I ever spoke."

"Look," CD whispered to Pari, prizing her gaze from the Spike ogling. "She's entered the 'babble' stage of Spike infatuation."

Pari nodded proudly, watching her friend go through the stages that all Spike fans went through. Kinda like puberty. She smiled once more before focusing on the Spike pictures, that were screaming for her attention.

{ Er...you might want to pay attention now Pari. }

"Huh? Oh, okay."

With considerable effort, Pari managed to drag her gaze from ' Oh that's where he - and then - and that's when he - oh!'
That she did so was lucky for Bella, as Pari's friend swooned, falling into her arms. Pari managed to catch Bella before she hit the floor.

"I thought she would have passed the 'swooning' stage," CD muttered.

"No," Pari said, "she skipped it and entered full blown 'innocent thoughts' syndrome. I've expected something like this for a while."

Leaving her friend on the floor babbling - 'innocent thoughts...must think innocent thoughts' - Pari let CD lead her over to the computer set up.

The screensaver on the computer monitor predictably showed Spike. Topless Spike, Vamp Spike, Spike with a huge stake -

"Kiva!!" shouted the only two upright Spike fans present, as they were both hit by a sudden case of the 'swoons.'

{ Sorry. }

"Anyway," Pari continued, gripping the back of the nearest chair in order to stand. "Do we have a positive location on Hostile 17?"

CD nodded. "Yes. He's currently in his crypt. We have two people at the place, staking it out."

They both smiled, and as one said with a laugh, "No pun intended!"

"Why are you calling him 'Hostlie 17' Pari?" Bella asked from her position on the ground.

"I don't know. I guess it's just with all the planning and the 'covert operations,' I just came over all commando."

{ I'd love to come over all commando. }

"Kiva!" they shouted again.

{ Sorry. The guy may have had all character of a particularly stiff piece of cardboard, but I thought he was cute. }

Shaking her head, Pari returned to the matter at hand.

"We think the vamps are getting ready to grab him as we speak," CD informed them.

Pari nodded to herself. Looking up, the others saw the determined look on her face.

"Let's get changed into our covert ops gear and go introduce ourselves to the stud, then girls."

******

~ In Spike's crypt~


"So...." the vampire drawled before taking a long drag from his cigarette.

"Someone's put a bounty on my head. And every two bit vampire or lowlife is now out, scouring the place for me. To take me to their leader who, presumably, wants to take me apart.
But, some of them would be gunning for me *without* the bounty, so paying them off won't work. And now you little ladies are here to protect me."

He looked at the three women in front of him. They were standing, following his movements with their eyes, mouths open and  completely mesmorized.

"Uh...hello? Bloody hell, I said, hello!"

That seemed to snap them out of it.

"Oh, yes, yes Spike," Pari confirmed, making a swiping motion at the drool she felt must be on her jaw.

"Okay then," he agreed, smiling happily.

The females in the room - Erm, crypt - looked at each other, not sure that they believed the blond vampire would cave so easily.

{ What, you want a whole plot as well as being able to drool? You want me to go into the reasons that a centuries old vampire, one without a soul, would let you three mortal human people just come in here and protect him? You want him to be distrustful of you, maybe 'til you save his life, thus proving that you have his best interests at heart. Then maybe he'll save yours, and then I'll have to write more things with plot - Because,  I could just let you get to the *real* fun? }

As one the girls chorused, "Fun!"

{ Okay then. }

"Who the hell are you talking to?" Spike growled, his eyes scanning the interior of the crypt for visitors.

"Er..." Pari started. "We have this friend. She... helps us."

"You have a friend...that helps you," Spike parroted.

"Yeah," Bella chimed in. "We kinda talk to her. You can't hear her?"

Spike shook his head. "Nope."

{ It's easier this way, girls. Otherwise one of those nasty plot things might appear and I'll get dragged away, and so will you. It will cut into your drooling time. Plus, he can't hear me ogling him. God, just take a look at that *fine* as - }

"Kiva!" Pari chastised.

{ Sorry. Only human, here. Carry on. }

"Okay. Now, on with the plan. Spike, please move over to those handy metal rings in the walls. Yeah, them. The ones that are just perfect for handcuffs. What's that Spike? Yes, I know they weren't there five minutes ago. Maybe you just never noticed them before. Or...maybe it's magic?"

"Or Kiva," Bella whispered under her breath.

"Handcuffs!" Spike spluttered. "What the bloody hell do you need handcuffs for?"

Pari pulled the handcuffs in question from the pocket of her combat pants.

"Telling would be spoiling it...don't ya think?" she answered in a sultry voice, twirling the metal rings around a finger.

Five minutes later there was one secured to the wall vamp, and three very pleased with themselves women.

Before the celebrations got under way though, there was a knock at the door. Or large stone slab thing covering the hole in the wall, whichever you prefer.

Taking a quick peek, Bella identified the visitor. She whispered to CD, who turned.

"It's the slayer," she shouted.

Bella rolled her eyes. "I whispered for a reason," she muttered.

"Sorry," CD apologized. "I just got - "

"Excited, yeah," Bella agreed. They gave more evidence to their statement by erupting into happy squeals.

Calming down, CD repeated her announcement. "It's the slayer."

"The slayer?" Spike repeated hopefully, wondering if he were about to be saved from the three chicks with handcuffs.

"Hey, I resent that," Pari said defensively.

{ Sorry. I meant *disturbed* from the three chicks with handcuffs. }

"Thank you. Now, where were we?"

"The slayer?" Spike inquired, hope once again coloring his voice.

"Yeah, it's Enchanted Slayer," CD confirmed.

"Enchanted Slayer?" Spike asked. "What the friggin' hell is so enchanted about her? Wait, don't tell me. The little redhead witch put a spell on her. Didn't she? I knew that whole witchy stuff was a mistake."

"No Spike," Bella laughed. "Enchanted Slayer is a member of the Buffy and Spike Realm. One of us."

Spike groaned, letting his head drop back to land with a thud against the wall.

 

"Soddin' hell," he bitched.

Pari grinned, looking through the opening in the door way. "Yeah. And she's got Druesire with her."

"Dru's sire?" Spike practically squeaked. "Angel's here?"

"No Spike," CD corrected this time. "Drue. Sire." She said each word carefully.

"She's also a member of the Buffy/ Spike Realm."

"God," Spike moaned, rattling his handcuffs. "How many of you are there?"

"About 242 right now...give or take," Pari answered. "I founded the club," she put in proudly.

"Oh, so I've got you to thank, hmm?"

"Well, yeah."

"Well thank you very bloody much. Since you started that club or whatever, I've been told there's a bounty on my head, the only way to stop it being to convince the others after it that you guys got here first -"

"Hold on," Bella said. "I don't remember that part."

She looked at the others. "No, me either," CD agreed.

"Kiva?" Pari asked.

{ Sorry. But my fingers are tired. Besides, I told you guys that I'd write this. Not that I'd write it well. Just assume I put that bit in, and I might write the scene in later, when feeling returns to my hand. }

"Okay. You can continue," Pari told Spike.

"Right. And now, I'm handcuffed to the wall, while more of your weirdo friends come to tea."

"Hey," the recently admitted Druesire spoke. "We're not weird. We love you Spike."

"Okay," Spike allowed. "You have great taste in men. But, you're still weird."


*****


It was some time later when a course of action had been agreed on.

"So...Druesire, you take Bella, CD and Enchanted Slayer and patrol outside using the standard formation. Raise the alarm if anyone or anything comes near this place. Is that clear?"

"Yes Ma'am," they chorused.

"Okay then, move out."

And as the troops moved out, Pari turned to her captive.

"Oh Spike," she purred, "it looks like it's just you and me...rather convienient I think."

"Er...sure, right, whatever. One question...what the hell are you planning?"

Pari laughed, bending down, her hands going to the bag that was lying on the floor.

"Just a little...torture?" she suggested.

"Torture?!" Spike spat. "I didn't sign up for any torture."

Pari laughed again. "May I remind you, that you didn't sign up?"

Spike slumped back, a defeated look on his oh so gorgeous face.

"Okay," he said grudgingly. "But get it over with quick."

"I have no intention of it being over with quick, Spike," Pari said, pulling an object out of the bag.

{ Whipped cream? Pari, I didn't write that! }

"Hey...you forget, I'm a writer too."

{ You devious little - just don't hurt him, okay? }

"Sure," Pari replied, stalking her way over to Spike.

"Bollocks," was all that was heard from the blond vampire, as Pari and her can of whipped cream descended on him.


*****


It was an even *longer* time later when the troops returned. They found a slightly disheveled Pari, and a sleeping Spike.

"Ahhh, how cute is that?" Druesire whispered.

"Oh, cute wasn't the word I was looking for there," Enchanted Slayer muttered back.

"Okay ladies," Pari started. "The same tactics apply. Everyone patrol except for...Bella. You can stay and...*guard* Spike."

"Gladly," Bella said, her eyes lighting with a predatory gleam.

Before the others left, Pari pulled Bella over to the side, whispering a few things in her ear that caused her to grin widely.
Then they left.

"Spike," Bella whispered. "Come on, wake up."

"Ugh," he managed. He pried his eyes open, not really seeing anything and mumbling something about having the strangest dream.

When he was finally aware of his surroundings, he focused on Bella.

"Ahrgh!" he shouted. "You're real. What the hell?"

Bella chuckled. "Yes, we're real. The others are just out to patrol. I've been left to...*guard* you."

"Crap," Spike muttered, shifting around on the floor. Bella noticed his restlessness.

"What's wrong?"

Spike sighed in frustration. "My arse is numb, alright?"

"How can it be?" Bella asked. "You don't exactly have blood flow, you know, being dead and all."

"Yeah, but I heard about what 'appened with Nancy boy and the Slayer...if we have no blood flow, then how is it he managed to fu - "

"Yeah Spike, I get it," Bella cut in.

{ Don't worry Bella, I don't get it either. But, if it's good enough for Joss Whedon...just go with the
flow. }

"Right. Anyway," she continued, her voice dropping into a sultry tone. "Want some help? I'm sure I could...take care of the numbness for you?"

Spike rolled his eyes. "I'm not getting rid of you 'til I let you, am I?"

"Nope," Bella confirmed.

"God, well, get on with it then."


****

After a few hours, everyone had had their turn of *guard duty.* And Spike was actually in an improved mood.

"Not a bad way to spend an evening, I think," he said in satisfaction, his earlier reluctance gone.

"Ughhh," came the collective response.

"Humans," Spike mused to himself. "No stamina."

"So," he went on, "how long do I have to stay trussed up here? I'm getting hungry."

Pari managed to stand, albeit shakily.

"Er...Kiva?" she asked. "When is it time? When are the vamps getting here to discuss the bounty?"

{ Er... }

"Kiva?" Pari said suspiciously.

{ Well...they're kinda not...I kinda took care of them in another story.
So you guys didn't have to worry. }

"You mean I've been handcuffed to this wall and attacked by sex mad crazies for the last few hours, and it was all for nothing?!"

"Hey!" the girls protested. "You weren't saying that before," Bella added.

"Yeah, well, I thought my life - un life - was in peril. And I couldn't bite you 'cause of this chip, so..."

Pari was grinning. "Hey, I don't know about anyone else, but I had the time of my life."

The others exchanged looks, trying to be mad at Spike's casual attitude...but the truth was, they'd had a great time.

"Alright girls, let's ship out," Pari commanded.

They got into formation. Bella marched forward first. "See you sweetie," she said to Spike.

Spike waved a cuffed hand.

Druesire was next. "Later gorgeous," she threw over her shoulder.

CD, followed by Enchanted Slayer went next. "Bye Spike," they chorused.

Pari was last, stopping by the vampire for a last good bye. "I'll see you Spike," she said, her heart heavy.

"Yeah," Spike offered. They both looked around awkwardly.

{ Time to take matters into my own hands.... }

"Spike," Pari started. "I touch the fire, and it freezes me - hey! That's been done already."

{ Sorry. }

She finally settled on a solemn "'Bye," then turned, striding towards the door of the crypt.

"Hey!" Spike shouted. "How do I get out of these cuffs?"

Pari's grin grew. "You're a vampire...a strong vampire...just snap them."

She heard the snap of metal, before several long curses. "You mean I could have gotten loose at any time? Kiva!" he screamed, finally getting the hang of talking to the author.

{Sorry gorgeous. }


****

~ Several Months Later~

Holding the stake in front of him protectively, Spike slowly moved forward, his movements panther like.

Word on the street was, something big was going down here tonight. And Spike, who hadn't had a decent fight in, oh, a week, wanted some action. He'd let the Slayer know, but predictably in that way most humans had, she was staying home to 'get ready for Christmas.' God, how depressing.

A noise from up ahead stopped him in his tracks. He hoped it was vampires. At least if they were feeding, their meal might be dead, and there may even be leftovers.

Tightening his grip on the only protection he had other than his fists, he glided forward.

"Hello people," he purred, putting on his best vampire face.

He was unprepared for the squeals that erupted from all around him.

"Oh, damn," he muttered. "It's one of them...them...groups."

As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he could make out people. Living, breathing people. A lot of living, breathing people. Several had flashlights, which they quickly turned on, almost blinding the vampire.

"Oh, bloody hell," he shouted, "get them out of my face."

The lights were quickly averted, the beams playing off the craggy walls of the dank little cave.

Squinting his eyes at the strange blobs of color that he could still see, Spike noticed someone worming their way through the crowd of bodies. Stopping in front of him, it took only a moment for Spike to realize who it was.

"You," he spat. "I should have known."

A laugh was the response. "Duh, of course you should have. I told you I was coming back."

"Well, yeah," the vampire acknowledged. "But I thought it would just be brief glimpses of your actions, a few run ins as the show progressed, and *then* the final confrontation in the end of season finale. That's how it normally happens."

Pari laughed. "Yeah, but what can I say? You were just too gorgeous to pass up."

Spike became angry that this little human could make him, a two hundred year old vampire - who had killed *two* slayers, by the way - *blush*!

"I see you brought a few friends though, love."

Pari turned to look at the others. "Yeah, Bella, CD and Druesire as well as Enchanted Slayer you should know. And all of the other members of the Buffy and Spike Realm too. I thought, well, it's Christmas, why not."

Spike actually smiled. "Well...I suppose, just this once. I know I was...less than receptive last time. But things have changed. You know, the Buffy bot's dead, so...there's no substitute. That means you blood bags can stay. But only 'cause you guys campaign for me and the Slayer so much...you know, I think she's coming around."

Bella grinned, coming to stand beside Pari. "I personally, don't know *how* she could have resisted so long...you are just *too* good."

Spike laughed, finding himself liking the admiration. "Well...she's kinda busy...I don't suppose you lovely ladies are free?"

The entire group burst out into squeals again.

"Hey, calm down. I'll take that as a yes."

Suddenly, he found himself grasped by the arms - among other places - and pulled forward into the throng of people who were touching him, talking all at once and even wanting to know just how good Buffy looked up close.

A thought occurred to him.

"And Pari...*no* toys."

Laughing evilly, Pari picked up the bag next to her feet, exchanging a smirk with her partner in crime, Bella.

"But of course...love."

And there was a great night of fun had by all.

The End.

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