Disclaimer: This is a work of fan-fiction. The here fore used characters belong rightfully to MGM/UA and I just borrowed them. The only profit I hope to achieve with this is the pure pleasure of the reader, so no copyright infringement intended. Please do not sue me, I don’t have money and won’t be getting some from this story.
Author’s notes: The story takes place some time after the final episode of the show “The Beast within” and after destruction of the mansion on Angel Island. The story changes in storytelling between the story and the thoughts of a person, the change in font marks this change. Fourth part of the “Poltergeist” storyline.
Value of a friend
by Belladonna
„It is strange that the true value of someone will only be revealed to us once he or she is forever lost for us, taken from us forever. Can we only see it once we have lost them or are we simply too blind to recognize it in a different way?”
Outside it had turned cold and a cool breeze slowly crawled over the trees, wandering over the city like a herald of the winter that was soon to come. And it had truly become colder but inside the houses or apartments there nothing much of that was recognizable; in some fireplaces the first fires were already burning.
She was alone. She was sitting alone inside her apartment and was surrounded by the sweet scent of some burning candles. In front of her on the small table there was a cup with hot tea standing, but she hadn’t touched it yet. This night she felt lonelier than she had ever felt before and there was nothing she could do against it for she knew that it would make her only feel more alone than before. She simply knew it, felt it gnawing at her soul, the feeling that it was her, she herself who had caused it in the first place and that she didn’t deserve an ease for this pain in her soul.
Alex Moreau simply sat there on the couch in her living room, her feet drawn to her chest and her arms pulled around them; her long brown curls loosely falling over her shoulders. She had lain down her head onto her knees and so lost deep inside her thoughts and memories but now the flicker of a candle pulled her outside these thoughts, a candle that was standing over the fireplace on the other side of the room, facing her. The flames of the small candle rose and flickered high up for a short moment but then they returned to the way they were burning before. Alex looked up, her dark eyes that usually were so full of warmth now were clouded with pain and a shimmer of deep sadness as she followed the light of the candle, followed to where the light had shone, what it had illuminated. Next to it there were some pictures standing on a shelf, photos she herself had put up there and had to admit sadly now wasn’t looking at often.
On some of the pictures she herself was to be seen, with both her families; the one she was related to by blood and the other one she was bonded to by a deep friendship, other pictures were portraits. But in the end it were two pictures on which the glance of her sad brown eyes finally settled down and remained. It was a picture of herself with her sister and her grandmother and the other one was the one showing her other family.
On both of the pictures there were people seen who were close to her, very close to her heart and even that had not been enough to prevent these people be taken from her.
As hard as she had fought it, as hard as she tried to shove all these thoughts and feelings from her and never wanted to get them close to her; as much as she had fought the harsh realization that they no longer were with her, in the end even Alex had finally had to accept the cruel reality that these people, like her grandmother and now also Derek were gone forever.
Now that she had been able to get some distance from all that had happened, this unforgivable truth was now slowly beginning to sink into her heart; just like the bitter realization about how much they really had meant to her and how she had rewarded them for it.
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It is strange but still I am fighting against it, fighting against the fact that I have to accept what has happened. But then, even though I always am trying to tell myself that everything is just a dream I simply have to awake from, now the feeling of the loss has begun to spread out inside me. It is an emotion I do not want to have, a feeling of emptiness and it still hurts me more than I can tell. So much has happened in my life, so many things that have happened to me and now are crumbling down over my head onto me. Seldom before in my life has anything hit me so hard and hurt me so deep inside like death, a death that has now taken from me two people in such a short time who have meant more to me and have been closer than any other person out there.
The world I once knew, it does no longer exist for me; it is irretrievable lost for me and that only through the loss of a few people who were so close to my heart.
In times like these, in which I had troubles or huge problems and I wouldn’t be able to see a way out for me I always knew that my grandmother had an open ear for me, always time for me to listen to what I was saying. And she did that, she had listened to me for hours at times, just sat down and had listened and then she would have given me advice about how I could overcome my troubles, advice nobody else was able to give me but only her. She was the most caring person I have ever known, the gentlest woman that existed for me and I know that there is nobody who is like her, who would be ever able to replace her.
I remember it quite well, when I was younger and she was the only person around who would understand me and who knew exactly what was going on inside me, even better than I have known. She had held me in her arms and given me comfort when I was sad and laughed with me when I was happy. She has given me so much only with just having been there for me.
Every time I was with her it was as if I would have been in a completely different world, I was so happy simply to have been with her and I still had been once I had grown up. She still was the only person who would understand me and who had helped me as I had begun to see things in my mind. She was there for me, had comforted the frightened child I was and still am at times and I am so grateful for that, so grateful for having her. I have spent the most beautiful times of my youth with her, my most beautiful and joyous memories and experiences I owe only her and even today I would so much want to go to her or to call her to just listen to her voice once again, her laugh and her stories.
But I also know that this is not possible, not anymore.
Derek also was someone very special for me, someone who also now was taken from me. He had been my mentor who always had given me advice and helped me with his experiences and knowledge. But he had been so much more for me, for he also was my friend. Derek was one of the few people who have understood me like my Grandma Rose had always done, like only she was able to. Derek had known what it meant to possess a gift like I do because he shared my gift and helped me to use it and to control it better. He always had been a person I was able to look up to and I have done it with pride and respect. I have always admired him for his control and knowledge and even a bit envied him for it but I never have told him that. He meant so much to me and was so much more because for me he had taken a place inside my heart. I always have been proud to know him and to be able to call him a friend and in that nothing will ever change just like nothing will change just how much he truly meant to me.
Never have I told them how much they meant to me or how close they were; never have I told Derek openly that he had been more than just a friend for me and how much of what I am I owe him, I am because of him. And Rose also I have never told how grateful I was for her, for her love and all the beautiful memories that I keep within my heart of her, how much I am grateful for her guidance in my life. But now I will never be able to do that, never again because she is, just like Derek gone for me forever, she is gone and will never come back, no matter how hard I’d wish for.
It is strange that we always take these small things, all these small gestures and feelings for given; that we take them for granted in our interactions with other people. We always take them for natural and simply there as long as we still have those who are close to us, as long as they are still with us. But now that they are gone, their true value, the true value of their hearts and friendships will be laid open for us to see; will their true value for us revealed to us now that we have lost them.
I’d give everything I have to be able to just talk to Grandma Rose again; I’d do anything to talk to her again and to hold her in my arms. I’d give everything I possess to be only held in her arms once again so that I could tell her how much she has meant to me. My life I’d give for that chance, for the chance to thank Derek once, for all the things he has done for me and that I had been very proud to have been part of his team, that he has always supported me and taken me under his wings. Never have I truly told them what they meant to me or have I realized it and now nothing else is there that I’d regret more.
The chance to tell them how deep inside my heart they are is not given to me and will never be and only now I have come to realize this, now that they are no longer there for me. Never before I have thought it necessary to tell them all this for they had been always there.
They had always been there for me and with me and never have I thanked them for all this, truly thanked them. This is it that pains me so much; that makes it even harder for me to accept it now, to accept their loss to me. I will not be granted a second chance to express them my gratitude, to tell them my feelings and how much I do miss them now and I will need time to come to accept that. As long as I still had them, they were there for me and I could’ve told them anytime, but there was no necessity to tell them for they were there; but now I cannot stop to think about how much I have taken them for granted, taken them all for granted and given to me and still do.
I have to forgive myself that I have never realized their true value for me and that I have taken them for just given, but even more the realization pains me hat this has only come clear to me with their death. They had to die before I could see what they meant to me.
I am so terribly sorry for everything, I so much want to apologize for everything but they cannot hear this, they never will. I’d give everything for just a second chance, for just a minute with them so that I could tell them how I feel now and for that they could forgive me my ignorance but I know that I will never get this. And first I’d have to forgive myself and this is the hardest part of it because I cannot.
I hope that one day I will be able to forgive myself for this but I don’t know whether I can ever return to the House. I don’t know whether I will ever be able to come back, too many things stir up these feelings of guilt, the memories that are left there and are all that is now left for me from Derek or Grandma Rose.
Only a few memories is all that I still have left but these I will cherish always in my heart just like those I have from us together; I will honour all these memories and never forget them. But it is these memories that also will always remind me and always make me see my guilt about that the true value of my friends, my family I only had been able to see through their deaths.
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Alex glanced with her dark eyes towards the photos, almost hypnotized she hadn’t been able to turn away her eyes and now the tears were running freely down her cheeks; she hugged her arms tighter around herself. She silently sobbed and laid her forehead down onto her knees. Alex didn’t know whether she ever would be able to return and she also didn’t know whether she would want it. But now as she was thinking about that another realization, an even bitter one dawned her and sunk onto her, for she was about to make the same mistake again.
She was about to repeat the same mistake she had done too often in her life before. Her friends and colleagues in the Legacy were also close to her and also occupied a very special place in her heart. Now she realized that she again had always taken them for given, for granted and she felt the deep sting inside her heart, the pain that settled down inside her soul. Never before had she admitted this before herself, never before had she realized it and only through the loss of her House and her friend now this had come clear to her.
The others, the people she had always considered her other family were very close to her and the last thing she wanted was that she also had to loose them before the value they had for her, their friendship and so much more would be made aware to her only by their loss.
~fin~