Disclaimer: This is a work of fan-fiction. The here fore used characters belong rightfully to Marvel and I just borrowed them. The only profit I hope to achieve with this is the pure pleasure of the reader, so no copyright infringement intended. Please do not sue me, I don’t have money and won’t be getting some from this story.
Author’s notes: The story is part of the 'Tale of two Lovers' and changes in storytelling between the story and the thoughts of one person.
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What kind of fool am I?
Above the mansion, right on the rooftop a man sat in silence. He loved to sit there and to think, think about his life and how it had turned out. He always wondered, whether it would have changed something if he had done it differently but all he ever came up with was a blank. He simply didn’t know, all he knew now was the fact that the woman he loved had just left him and that was something he even didn’t understand more, just like he understood exactly why and that was it that left his heart out in the cold.
Today he had come up to the roof to think again, about the one woman his heart belonged to and about their future together, if they still had one.
Sometimes I’m asking myself whether it would’ve changed anything, whether it probably would have developed into a rather different direction if I had gone differently at it right from the beginning.
I am sitting here now on the roof of the mansion and asking myself these questions. I have done this often recently, but this time it is about something important, maybe the most important thing in my life. I think about her, about us, that is if there still is this us.
I’ve met the most beautiful and astounding woman that could ever happen to me and I fell in love with her. It was love at first sight and what is even more astounding about it, she loves me too.
Now I have lost this anchor in my life, the light which lightens up the darkness of my soul and still does when I am thinking of her.
My whole life I have dreamt of such a woman, a woman for whom I’d do anything, whom my heart belongs to and to whom I could be completely honest and open. And that is it that stands between us, for I cannot and my past was it that made my relationship to Rogue crumble, even if there would never be anything that’ll be able to change my feelings for her, a love I know I don’t deserve when she will know the whole truth.
A simple question was it, that made our love crumble, a simple question that brought this shaky wall down.
Is it too much to be honest?
I admit that I never been completely honest, neither to her nor to anybody else, I am not and probably will never be able to, especially concerning my feelings. I have been disappointed too often when I open up to anybody, a pain I don’t want anybody to feel nor feel it again.
I also admit that I have never told her that I love her, I can’t do it and that although I do love her from the bottom of my heart.
I love her more than I have ever loved anyone before or ever will love again.
I don’t know why it is so hard with her to tell her my true feelings, it has never been that hard before but with her I seem not being able to bring it over my lips. I cannot tell them to her, these three simple words I cannot make leave my lips.
With other women it had always been easy, is it because none of them meant that much to me that Rogue does now, is it because it wasn’t so serious with anyone of them before like it is with her? Are my feelings truly that deep this time and are they meant so honest, so completely honest like never before in my life?
But that was it not that ripped our love apart, not my inability to reveal my love to her openly even though I’d wished so hard to do it. No it is my past doings, which I cannot make undone or amend for, no matter how hard I want, the things I have done and cannot take back. It is my past that stands between us and will remain there. All the things I did are incomprehensible like they are inexcusable and from where I stand today I see that now. I should have seen it back then too, but then I had been too blind.
I was willing to be open to her, to reveal her everything but for that it was too late. The band of trust already been stretched to the limit and I have given it the final pull. She has told me that she loves me, that I was the best thing that could have happened to her, like she is to me, and still I was unable to make her stay, stay with me.
It is my fault that she’s gone, that she has left me and I’d do anything to make this undone. I long so much for holding her again in my arms, to hold her tight and to never let her go again. But I don’t even know whether she would be coming back. And if she will be coming back, then she probably wouldn’t have come back to me. Even if I love her that much it will still be me who is standing between us, be it my inability for the truth or the truth itself I so much try to hide from her, for the truth is my greatest shame.
Everything I did drove her only farther away from me and I’d do anything to win her back, that she would come back to me again. I so much hope that it will be one day that I will be able to hold her in my arms again, to look in her deep loving green eyes and to see the love for me again in them, that I am unable to confess to her.
I should have hold her back, should’ve stopped her somehow. I should have prevented that she had gone from me but for this now it is too late. Something, I could have done something to hold her, to hinder her from leaving but even for this I wasn’t able to do, no matte how much I wanted it.
Didn’t I want it in the depth of my heart? Had I been glad that she has left, for then my secret would’ve been secured within me again?
I am a fool when I say something like this or even only think this, because for her I’d do or give anything. Her love for me means my life, is my life and I cannot be without her.
Please Rogue, come back, come back to me, chère. I’ve been a fool to just let you go.
But she doesn’t hear me, cannot hear me. And I am left here with the broken pieces of our relationship that I desperately try to put back again, hoping that our love has not cooled off because of my own cowardice and foolishness.
I have been a fool to let you go, to just let you go the way I did.
Please chère, come back to me again, I will do anything to win you back, to make you trust me again and to win your love for me again, for I love you.
I truly love you, Rogue.