Disclaimer: This is a work of fan-fiction. The here fore used characters belong rightfully to Marvel and I just borrowed them. The only profit I hope to achieve with this is the pure pleasure of the reader, so no copyright infringement intended. Please do not sue me, I don’t have money and won’t be getting some from this story. The short dialogue at the end is taken from the movie “X-Men”.

Author’s notes: This fiction is based on the movie “X-Men”, well basically on an idea that wouldn’t let go of me after watching the extra clips at the end of the video. The story changes in telling between two perspectives, the telling and the thoughts of the persons involved. A change in the font marks the change of the story telling.

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Needle in my heart

by Belladonna 

At the window of the study of Professor Charles Xavier stood a man and was watching the group of students who were in the garage at the moment and had a lesson there. The professor, a man of middle age was forced to a wheelchair because of an accident, but nonetheless a man of impressing appearance. He emanated an aura of authority and nobody would dare to look down on him or to ignore his words. But the man standing at the window was only listening half heartedly to what he was saying, his glare frozen on the class in the garage. He had brown tousled hair and was wearing some jogging trousers and a sweater with the school’s logo. But his glare, seemingly directed at the students was truly locked on a woman. He did watch her exactly and his heart beat faster from excitement when he was watching her. He saw how beautiful she was, her classic elegance and he wasn’t able to turn his glance away from her. Whether she did notice him or not he did not know because she did not look up.

She ran through her red hair with her fingers and her eyes were flashing with happiness, as she put her hand back into her boyfriends, Scott. Scott Summers, better known as Cyclops, was lecturing about motorcycles and was right at the moment the happiest man on earth, because he had a woman as his girlfriend whom he loved more than anything and tenderly he squeezed her hand. He was, contrary to Jean, completely unaware of the fact that they were being watched from the window. She knew exactly that they were watched and she knew the reason for it, but she didn’t want somebody to know.

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I can see her clearly, the light makes her hair even redder and she emanates so much warmth. Her face is so soft and elegant, her eyes so full of love. She is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met and I feel drawn to her. But the love I can see in her eyes is not meant for me because it seems that she has that idiot as her boyfriend. She’s much to elegant than to be with this goon and I wished she would understand that too. When I see her, I know exactly that she’s the only woman I can feel for like that. From the first moment I saw her, she caused a strange feeling inside me, I couldn’t understand at first, but I believe now that it is love. I don’t know whether I’ve felt once for another woman like that or if she’s the first one, who troubles me so. I simply need to watch her and I know that she’s the one I’d like to spend the rest of my life with. But she seems to be involved with him, happy with him. The way she holds his hand in hers won’t allow another conclusion and I feel a sting in my heart at that. To see how she shows her affection to him hurts me and I don’t know why. What would I give to be in his position, be the one to hold her hand and to caress her cheeks. I’d love to be the one she goes to sleep with in the evenings and who is the lucky one that is allowed to wake up near her in the morning. That would make me the luckiest and happiest man alive but she looks so happy and so full of love with him. But I wished nothing more than the day would come, when she would feel the same way for me, I feel for her, when that day would be reality but she only sees him and not me. And that is something I probably won’t be able to change, no matter how hard I wished and how painful that might be right now for me.

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I know exactly that he’s watching me even if I don’t look up. I can sense the strong feelings he has for me and that confuses me. His feelings for me are as strong as Scott's and very intensive. He does love me with his whole heart, but I love Scott. Or do I not? I am not so sure anymore and a bit confused. I can feel how he envies Scott for being the man who conquered my heart and won it for him, but his feelings for me are very strong. He sees every one of my moves from the window and wishes so hard to hold me in his arms, to reveal his love for me but he wishes harder for that I return these feelings. I am not sure what I really feel for him because although I love Scott I develop feelings for him too and that confuses me more than his feelings for me do. I was so sure that Scott was the right one but now he has appeared. As I put my hand into Scott's to show him and maybe myself that I belong to him I feel his hurt. It pains him to see that and I catch myself with the thought that I’ve imagined it was his hand I am holding. As I look up, he turns quickly away, not wanting me to know that he had watched me the whole time. But I knew. I don’t want to hurt him  and I don’t want to hurt Scott; I am sorry if I did hurt him with this. But no matter what I will do, I will have to hurt one of them and although I don’t want to do that, never wanted to do that, I know exactly now, that one day I will do it to one of them.

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Dr. Jean Grey entered the medical bay to look after her patient. To save Rogue he had let her absorb his healing factor. He had known that it would be dangerous for him, life-threatening and posed an enormous risk, because his own injuries could’ve very much killed him without his powers. But Logan had promised to take care of her and to do so, he would give his life. Jean watched the unconscious man on the bed and wasn’t so sure of her feelings anymore like she’d been a short while ago. She felt clearly that it would’ve hurt her if he’d died and that she felt a lot more for him, than she was ready to admit to herself or any other person, despite the fact that she’d met him not so long ago for the first time and her first encounter with him wasn’t a friendly one.

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When I see him lying on the bed I am glad that he won’t die and that his bio signals have stabilized. I don’t know what I would’ve done if he’d died. I know, that I love Scott more than anything but in a certain way I do love him too, even if he is the direct opposite of Scott. He is everything that makes Scott mad and would drive him crazy but I know that under that harsh crust and the angry appearance, he shows everyone who would want to have a closer look at the man behind the shell, appears to be a gentle and warm soul. I can feel his love for me and that he knows, that I would never be able to return these emotions. He knows that I love Scott but he doesn’t know what inner turmoil he caused me and still does. But no matter how much he would love me, my heart will always belong to Scott and I won’t be able to return his feelings for me the way he would hope for, even if he means more to me than a mere friend.

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Jean checked the bandages and saw relieved that the wounds beneath them had closed. Logan’s powers had returned to him and he now would heal completely. He would live and Jean felt that she was extremely happy about that. When her hands touched his chest to check the last bandages, he woke up and took her hand. Jean was surprised and felt her heart beat rise, her cheeks reddened slightly.

“That tickles”, he said weakly.

“Hey”, she managed to say softly. “How do you feel?”

“Fantastic”, he lied and his glare rested on her. He asked concerned about Rogue and Jean reassured his concern. She would be alright, she only had taken some of his more charming personality for a while but was otherwise in good health. Logan was relieved. Jean added that she had taken a crush on him. Logan looked her in the eyes before answering to that and Jean sensed his feelings, knowing what he would say.

“You can tell her, my heart belongs to someone else.”

“You know…”, Jean was not sure how she could tell him, that she felt that way for Scott and not for him, “…you and I…”

“How’s the professor?” he asked instead and turned the topic into another direction. He’d felt her hesitation. Secretly he had already recognized, that she would never share his feelings. He’d changed the topic to spare her and maybe himself the answer and the truth.

“He’s fine”, she said so silent, almost impossible to hear. She knew too, that he didn’t want to hear her true answer and rather stayed with his imagination, that she would share his feelings. Jean knew, that this would be the moment, she’d feared. The moment she had to hurt one of them.

“Good”, Logan took her hand and kissed her. Jean was grateful for not having to tell him the truth, because she wasn’t sure, whether she could have done it. But she knew also, that she would always love Scott more than she would Logan.

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I knew she wouldn’t return my feelings, because I have realized long time ago, that her heart could only belong to one, him. Just like my heart would always belong to her. I sure hope he knows how to appreciate this, to appreciate her. In my inner soul I had hoped nonetheless that she would be able to love me, but how strong my feelings for her might be, so strong are hers always for him. It hurts me like a needle in my heart when I see them together, but as long as I see her happy, the pain is manageable. I have had to suffer many pains and hurts in my life, but  never were they so strong like the pain of unanswered love. To watch her from the distance hurts damn hard, a pain, that will be my companion from now on. I know, that she is happy and only that counts for me. She has found her luck and happiness, though not with me. But when she one day will need me I will always be there for her, even if it is only as a friend, no matter how much I’d liked to be more for her.

My heart will always belong to her, no matter how painful that needle in it might be.

~fin~