Disclaimer: This is a work of fan-fiction. The here fore used characters belong rightfully to Marvel and I just borrowed them. The only profit I hope to achieve with this is the pure pleasure of the reader, so no copyright infringement intended. Please do not sue me, I don’t have money and won’t be getting some from this story.
Author’s notes: This fiction is a sequel to my story 'Prisoner of your eyes' and a part of the Study in Romance storyline. The change in font marks the change in the speaker this time as well.
I thought it’s time to bring another player into this, one they might have forgotten.
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Shot through the heart
It had been quite a while since Logan had left the mansion and since then they hadn’t heard a single word from him. Not a single proof of life from him that told them he was somewhere out there and that he was alright. In the school silence had returned since then, life went its orderly fashion and it wasn’t talked that often about the man named Logan as it had been in the beginning, shortly after he had gone.
Scott didn’t complain about this, if the talks about the scruff mutant silenced, he had well felt the chance in Jean’s behaviour after he had left and he had known exactly what might have caused it. Scott hoped that everything would turn again the longer Logan stayed away and he also hoped that this would indeed be a long time even if he would never admit that openly in front of the Professor or the others. He wanted to win Jean back for him an hoped that for this it might not be too late and that he had lost her already
Jean was in their room, the one she shared with Scott and she was alone. Scott was in the control room where he had something to do. The Professor had called him. She sat on the bed, her knees drawn to her chest and the glance of her green eyes was turned into emptiness. Jean felt empty, emptier as she had been ever before and there was nothing with what she could have filled this empty space in her heart. There was nobody with whom she could have talked for nobody could possibly understand her, especially not Scott and with him she could have talked the least to. Jean still tried to get her feelings under control and what she wanted the least was to hurt Scott. She knew that it would be inevitable, she had to tell him sometimes, at the latest when Logan would return one day, if he returned one day. Although she hadn’t received any message from him, she didn’t expect one but secretly she had wished for, something hoped for, she wished for nothing more than for Logan to come home again, to return to her. Jean had felt his emotions, the deep love he had for her, but she also knew that he had respected her decision, a decision whose rightness she began to question more and more and thought the wrongest thing she could have possible done. Would he be able to forgive her and believe her, when she would reveal her feelings for him? Would he still want her, when she told him that she loved him, truly loved him and forgive her her mistake, to have hurt him?
Jean wished so much to hold him in her arms and to tell him, just how much she loved him. Would he still feel the same for her as he had felt when he left? Or would his feelings have changed over the time and would he still be able to love her, could he still love her, after all that she had done to him? Could he possibly love her after all?
Jean clutched her arms tighter around her body and glared into nothing, the pain in her heart too much to bear.
Her thoughts were interrupted by the intercom. Scott told her, that he had been sent to a mission by the Professor with the Blackbird and that he wouldn’t be in the mansion for a while. Jean wished him luck and deactivated the intercom, her thoughts were far away, with another and not with him.
Would Scott know, had he noticed the change in her feelings towards him, her emotions? She didn’t want to hurt him but she hadn’t wanted to hurt Logan too and allowed him to leave without that she had had a chance of telling him her true feelings, her true emotions for him. But what about Scott, would he understand it, that she still loved him but her feelings for Logan were simply stronger than they could be for him now?
Jean stayed back alone, alone with her feelings and thoughts. He didn’t know what kind of mission it was, Scott had to do for the Professor and she wished he would return unharmed back to her, but if she were honest to herself, than she even more wished for Logan to return, that he still felt for her the way he had felt when he had left. She hoped so much that he still would love her and that she would have the courage to confess her love to him.
The mansion is empty, I feel that everybody has either gone our or left the social rooms to return to their rooms. I have felt Scott’s emotions, he is bitter and I am the reason for it. His feelings for me are unchanged, but it is I who has changed. I don’t want to hurt you Scott and hope that one day you will be able to understand, that I still will love you too, but in a different way now, not like I did before. Please understand that, I never meant to hurt you, you were my first love, the first true love I have ever felt in my life.
But at the moment my heart beats not that strong anymore for you than it does for Logan. I hope you can forgive me and understand it one day, I don’t want to loose you as a friend, the best and only friend I ever had and will have. But I have made my decision and have to deal with the consequences now, no matter how painful they might be for you or for me.
Please Logan, wherever you might be, come back to me. I love you and hope that you still will be able to feel anything for me. I don’t know where you are, but let me know, let me know whether you still love me.
I know exactly what is wrong, I have felt the change of her feelings even if she did everything to keep it from me, to keep me from finding out. I know well that she loves him, more than she loves me. I don’t know what’s going on in her, she has shut me out but I so much want to understand it, understand her. What does he have, that I have not or cannot give her? I would do anything for her, would die for her and she shoots me right through the heart like this. Jean, what have I done that you no longer love me, can no longer love me? I would go to the end of the world to make it undone and that you would be able to love me again. It is him who she loves now, whom she brings so strong feelings to.
Oh, I have well noticed it for I am not so blind as people would think I am. I have seen the glances he threw towards her and those she had returned when she had believed I would not see, would not notice.
I don’t know exactly when she had begun to change, since when she had developed feelings for him but she did and with that I am loosing the only woman that had ever meant something to me in my whole life. I am now going to a mission, towards uncertainty but I am glad to get a bit distance. She hadn’t even asked what kind of mission it was. It pains me when I see, how she mourns after him, suffers because he had gone even when it is I who is lying in bed next to her at night. It hurts when it is him who she thinks of even when it is me who’s holding her in his arms and how much she wants to hide it, a bit slips every time that she wishes to be his hand she is holding even if in reality she holds mine. But it hurts me the most to know that it is his lips she is imagining to kiss when it is I whom she has in front of her. This pain is unbearable for me, it is the pain of love that is stronger than everything else I had to endure during my whole life and what makes it even more painful than the bullet, that had gone right through my heart is that I still love her. I cannot change it, but I still do love her, for she is the only woman who means more to me than my own life and I so hope for she will be able to love me again just like she had loved me once, I wished for nothing more than that. Love is painful if it is not returned but it is even more painful when it had been retuned once and then cooled off. I feel empty when I think of how she wants to be happy with him, just like we wanted to be happy together before. In a certain way she has shot me and the shot gone right through my heart. What is left for me are nothing more than the broken pieces of our relationship and the wish that he would never return. I have never wished something worse to happen for anybody and I still don’t but the only chance I have if I want Jean back, and that’s more than I will ever wish for again, is that he will never come back to us. Only then I will be able to earn her love for me again, something I want more than everything else.
Until I will have the certainty that Jean will belong to me and can love me again, I will have to bleed from the hole, the shot of rejection she had put right through my heart.
I wished nothing more than to hold her again in my arms and see the love in her eyes, that is only meant for me. And I hope that it won’t be too late for that, too late for us and a second chance, that you can still love me.
Somewhere in your heart must be something left for me, that still beats for me with love, Jean, ‘cause I love you, more than you can imagine.