Disclaimer: This is a work of fan-fiction. The here fore used characters belong rightfully to MGM/UA and I just borrowed them. The only profit I hope to achieve with this is the pure pleasure of the reader, so no copyright infringement intended. Please do not sue me, I don’t have money and won’t be getting some from this story.
Author’s notes: The story takes place a lot of time after Julia Walker’s death, maybe second or third season of the show, but this is not relevant for the story. But it does take place definitely after the episode “Black widow”.
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for my father and my grandparents,
there were so many things that remained unspoken between us, too.
But never that I loved you.
Sometimes the words, we wanted to tell those who are close to our hearts, remain unspoken.
But they have never been unheard.
On this day heaven was grey and cloudy, but it didn’t rain, at least not yet. But that would only be a matter of time, until heaven too, would cry, until it too, would mourn like all the people beneath it on the small cemetery, that were here to mourn their dead. They came here every day, even though not every day the same people. Nobody knew the others, but they all had one thing in common. They all had lost somebody who had been very close to their hearts but had been taken from them too early.
Just like the man, who stood alone in front of one of the graves, a single grave that was a bit away from the others, in his hand he had a single rose.
He had his head turned to the ground, silently bowed down. His brown hair was slightly tousled and all his pain, mourning and grief was clearly written down into his sad eyes even though it had been several years. He still had not overcome his pain and his loss, all the feelings he’d had and it still felt like it had been yesterday that he had lost her, since he had found her dead body. And although he was always wanting to forget, to banish the sight of her bloodied and broken body from his mind, so inseparable was it connected to all his memories, bound to his memory of her, just like the heavy feeling of guilt, that he had not been there for her and so much more.
As much as it hurt him, he could not wipe out all these images, feelings and thoughts from his mind, his memories, because by doing so he would also wipe out all the memories of her from his mind, and that was the only thing that was left of her to him, all he still had, his memories and a couple of photos. But what he cherished the most were the feelings, these deep emotions he connected with the memory of her, with her. All the joy he’d felt when he was with her and her smile, the dark eyes and the roguish flicker in them that had been the only thing that was able to warm his heart and free him from his brooding thoughts. There were so many things that reminded him of her, that helped him remember her but the strongest feeling he connected with her was that of the friendship he’d had with her, and his love for her.
I still miss you and I don’t quite know how I managed to get over it. Maybe I haven’t and probably I will never be able to do so.
I can still feel the pain that I have felt when I found you hanging on that cross. I knew immediately that you were dead then but I couldn’t have come to any other conclusion, not after seeing the way your body was broken and the way your dead eyes were staring into the emptiness. But I have seen their glance nonetheless, seen the horror in these dead eyes, these wonderful eyes that have always watched me with so much warmth, caring, love and friendship. I can still see the pain in them in my dreams, see your fear. I so much wished to have been there, to have been there with you. I could have saved you, if I had been there for you, probably nothing would’ve happened. Nothing of this would have happened. But I know now that for this everything is too late, too late for all the blame and doubt, for I had to realize painfully that even I couldn’t have made any difference. Nothing I might have done would’ve changed it, nothing at all. And maybe that is it what makes it so hard for me to accept, that as hard as I would wish for it or whatever I would’ve given for it I could not have changed a single thing. Everything would have gone the way it was and that is a pain I still have not gotten over yet and probably never will, too. I should have been able to do something, to change it but the more I sink into these thoughts, the more it becomes clear to me, that nothing of this will be able to bring you back to me.
To loose you was the worst thing that could’ve happened to me, for you were my anchor in life; the only one that had managed to show me life was worth living and that I could enjoy it thoroughly. And I truly have enjoyed the time we had together, enjoyed every single minute of it and I would never take anything of it back, neither of the things we have done nor the things I have said, for nothing in the world. There is nothing I regret concerning the time we had, for we had it together, just that I have not been able to save you, that I have not been able to be there for you, to give you back what you have given to me.
You have always been the woman that meant everything in my life to me. I’d have died for you and still would if I could get you back that way. We had so many plans for life, so many things that we’d wanted to do, what we wanted to do together and for what we never had had the time and now never will. There were so many things we had saved for another time, kept for us for we wanted to do them later but now I know that we should have done them as long as we still had the time to do, when we still had time for them. I should have known better, I should have known that we should have used all the opportunities, that we should’ve taken these chances when they offered themselves for they would never come back. But for all of this it is too late, too and all that is left for me now is the memory of you and of us, an us that never had a future as much as I wished one for us.
I still have the memory of your beautiful smile, the one that had caught my eyes right from the first moment we saw each other, that gentle smile that had charmed me right away just like the look of your eyes had done in which I have seen so much warmth as well as a great understanding for me. It seemed as if you knew exactly what went on inside me, as if you knew that I dearly had needed a friend, a friend who could listen to me and who understood me, who was able to look into my heart and my soul and then found the true Nick Boyle in there I had been and still am.
I don’t know why but you have been the only one you who truly understood, understood me in a way nobody else had been able to and I have never found the opportunity to thank you for all this, for all your friendship and for just being there for me. You brought me back into the light, freed my soul of the dark place that had been my life before then and you always have been the person who was able to hold me there, to keep me in the light and from slipping back into this darkness. Without you I knew that I was not complete and I will never be again, not after you have gone, after you’ve been taken from me.
There were so many things that we wanted to do and for what we never had the chance to do but what pains me the most are not the tings that remained undone but more the things that remained unspoken, the things that I never found the courage to speak out loud, to share with you.
Now, you will surely ask why and I don’t have an answer for that. Maybe I just have been too frightened, have I feared that it could change everything we had. And that was the only thing I never wanted to happen, I never wanted to loose you. But maybe I just should’ve gotten the courage together to tell you but in the end even for this I never had the chance to do.
I should’ve told you what you meant to me, what you truly meant for me and how much I have felt for you. You always have been more than just a friend to me, you have become part of me, a part of my heart and for this I will always be grateful.
Even though I will never be able to forget the sight of your dead frozen eyes I will also never be able to forget the sight of your loving eyes, of your warm gentle eyes that are forever burnt into my heart just like you are. You are the woman who always had a special place in my heart and always will. I am so sorry that I never told you what you truly meant to me, how close you have been to my heart and how near you have come to it. I am so truly sorry that I never said all the things to you I had always wanted to, that I never thanked you for what you were for me, my friend.
You have been the part of me who always had been strong and who had held me when I had needed it, the one who always had cheered me up when I was sad or down and who always had been at my side and watched my back. I so much wished for that I also had been able to watch your back when you needed it, when you needed me for then maybe I could have been able to save you. I had to do it, I owed you that much. I owed you that much for all you had done for me. You always had been the part of me that was able to make me laugh and when I was with you, I was happy. There are so many things I had wanted you to tell but for all this it is too late, for they remained unspoken and now they all will fade away unheard for now nobody will able to hear them. You won’t be able to hear them, you whom they were meant for to be heard.
I am so terribly sorry for all these unsaid things, for all the things that will now remain unspoken, that I have never been able to thank you for everything.
But the one thing I regret the most and this more than anything else, more than the fact that I had not been able to do for you what you have done for me, is the one thing that I have never been able to tell you how much you meant for me, how close you truly were to my heart and what place you have taken in my life and in my heart.
I am so terribly sorry that I have never been able to tell you how much I love you and for this too I will now never find another chance to do so for you were taken from me, taken before I could find the courage to reveal my true feelings for you. And now again these words will fade away unheard and it is all my fault.
It might be true, that you only are able to realize how much somebody meant to you when you’ve lost him or her but that is not always true. I knew exactly just how much you meant to me, I’ve always known. But now I’d give anything, everything I have in exchange for just another minute with you, to be able to spend just one more minute with you, to be able to tell you all the things that have remained unspoken.
I loved you, Julia and I still do.
Nick Boyle remained silent for a while and he himself wasn’t sure whether he had spoken these words out loud or not. He simply stood there and looked down onto the grave of Julia Walker, his colleague and his friend, the grave of the one person that once had meant so much to him and still did, more than anybody else. In his heart he felt the deep pain over the loss of the one person he had loved so much. In front of his mind’s eye he could see her standing in front of her, her long brown hair that flowed so loosely and graciously over her shoulders in the wind, her lips with their tender smile and her deep dark eyes that had always looked at him with so much warmth, friendship and love, although he had never seen the love in them more than in a friendly way, out of the fear to loose her if there would develop something more between them. Now he knew that this had been another mistake. He saw her right in front of him, she was so alive and she smiled back to him.
His soul filled itself with so much pain and endless sorrow, his eyes simply looked down to the grave, where she had found her final resting place, a single tear slowly rolled down his cheek. On the gravestone there was not much that remembered of her other than her name, but he still had his feelings and his love for her, the things that had made her a part of him for ever. He put the rose down to lay it on the grave, then he raised two fingers of his right hand to his lips and gently touched the stone with them before he left.
“I loved you, Julia and I still do.”
The words did not remain unheard or had faded away, they remained above the grave, even after Nick had long left. A sole figure rose from the grave and stood in front of the gravestone. It was the figure of a woman with long brown hair and a warm, friendly smile, but her eyes clearly showed the same pain and sorrow he had felt. She wasn’t real, the stone of the grave was clearly to be seen through her body. She was no longer alive, for quite a while but her soul always returned back here, to the place she had been buried and she silently watched the man, that came here regularly, to visit her grave and to leave every time he came a rose on her grave. A single red rose, her favourite flower and a sign of his deep feelings for her, even though he never had been able to speak out loud what he had felt, never in front of her.
The woman took the rose and held it close, as if it was the most precious thing she had. Her fingers traced the lines of the stone, of her name and gently brushed over the part Nick had touched with his fingers, the part he had kissed that way when he had left. She almost was able to feel him when she rose her fingers to her own lips, that way she was able to be close to him again.
“Your words have never been unheard, even though they have remained unspoken. I knew exactly the feelings you had for me, for I have felt the same for you. Your words were never unheard, but mine now will remain silent. But I hope, you know how much you have meant to me and that it hadn’t been your fault. I have nothing to forgive you, for there is nothing that should be forgiven. There was nothing you could have done to make a change, you only would have died too and I could not stand to loose you. Nothing you could have done would have made a change and I do not blame you for that, for you mean too much for me. I love you Nick and I always will.”